More Lessons on Love (Because I'm still learning...)

In a previous post, I wrote about having gone through divorce, and touched on my recent venture out into the world of dating.  Although things haven't gone the way I hoped with that particular person, the experience served as empirical research as I seek to understand and empathize with the students I work with, the majority of whom are struggling in romantic relationships.  A break in any relationship is painful, but it also provides an opportunity for reflection and growth.

I took some time to think about my experiences, and over the past few weeks have found that these reflections have been helpful to more than a few young women, and I decided to post them here.  So, here are more lessons.  Although they are directed towards women in relationships with men, I believe these are useful in all kinds of relationships.

• You can fall in love many times.  You'll always love those you fell in love with.  But the one whom you show your appreciation to and who shows you he appreciates you is the one that lasts. You can live without someone you fell in love with.  The one who shows you he doesn't want to live without you is the one that matters.
• Falling in love is a feeling. Living in love requires action.  It is a demonstration of how you feel. If you don't demonstrate that you love the person you claim to love, then to that person, there is no love. People don't see feelings unless there's an action that demonstrates the feeling.  
• If you, as the lover, cannot demonstrate how you feel, then you might want to reflect upon whether or not you love yourself.  People who love themselves want to pour that love out onto others.  If you're bankrupt in the love department, you believe you have nothing to give.  
• Loving yourself is not selfish; it's actually selfish not to love yourself, because you don't want to share yourself with others when you have no love of self.  
• People who are always worried about getting hurt lack love for themselves.  They don't believe that someone else will want the best for them.  They don't believe they are worthy of being treated well.
• Don't get stuck on one person, especially if he's not showing you that he loves you. But be careful that you're not looking for one specific demonstration of love. There are many ways to show love.  It's when there's no action behind the words "I love you" that you need to move on. 
• Believe that you can, and will, fall in love again.  There's not one "soulmate" for everyone.  The person who wants to work through the hard work of love with you is your mate.  Walking in love together is what binds you to the person, not some cosmic force.  
• Take the good you've learned from every relationship, and throw out the bad. Don't harbor any bad feelings for someone.  Hurt people hurt people. If someone hurts you, try to see what's behind the hurt. There are, most likely, issues of rejection in that person's life.  Don't let that person's issues attach themselves to you.  But don't try to fix his issues either.    Trying to fix someone is selfish. It's manipulative.  You want to change or fix someone because you want him to do what you want, or be how you want him to be.  He has to want to change for his own sake. Let that person go through his journey on his own.  Who knows?  His journey may lead him back to you.
• Be grateful for every opportunity you've had to demonstrate your love. It makes you better at loving yourself and others.

Who knows when these reflections will end?  I'm still learning.

- Trish

What Makes Me Awesome! (aka: The Little List That Could...)

In my years as an educator and counselor, I've found that countless students suffer from low self-esteem.  There's no need to go into the consequences of low self-esteem (poor decision-making skills, anxiety, and problems in relationships are just a few).  We have all have had a low opinion of ourselves at one point or another in our lives, but many of my students have experienced chronically low self-esteem. The worst part of this epidemic is that I can see the positive traits of my students so clearly, while they think so negatively of themselves that their self-perception becomes distorted.

As I've mentioned in a previous post, I like to use concepts from Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior theory in my counseling interventions, which is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy.  Rational Emotive Behavior theory claims that thoughts guide feelings and behaviors.  Therefore, if one can change his or her thoughts, the feelings and behaviors will change accordingly.  In the case of a client or student who has low self-esteem, I'll give him or her tasks or assignments.  For example, a former student who thought he was ugly because of things he'd been told as a child was asked to look at himself in a mirror and give himself compliments.  This was, obviously, very difficult for him to do, but we processed the activity until he could see the purpose and begin to find some positive things about his appearance.  Another assignment I use often is to ask the student to list at least ten things he or she likes about him or herself, and share that list with me.  The purpose is to start the process of thinking positively about oneself, in order to erase the previous recordings (usually of authoritative voices such as that of a parent or teacher) that have caused low self-esteem. I usually start the student off with something I like about him or her as an example.  Obviously, these types of assignments require follow-up, and I always tell my students that they may feel extremely uncomfortable and may not believe themselves in the beginning, but with consistent repetition and paying attention to positive affirmation from others, they will eventually change some of the negative thoughts that cause low self-esteem. 

Usually, the best way for me to know if what I ask students to do actually works, is to do it myself.  I have very little time to practice EVERYTHING I preach.  That's where insomnia enters the picture.  Since I couldn't sleep last night, I made a list of things I like about myself, also known as the "What Makes Me Awesome!" list.  After reading through the list, being realistic about what I think I'm good at and what I like about myself, I found that the list that I made could:

1. Make something I usually take for granted about myself just a bit more special;
2. Bring to mind the compliments and positive affirmations I've received from others; and most importantly,
3. Give me something tangible to read and reflect upon when I'm feeling a little less secure in who I am.

If that little list could do that for me, why can't it do the same for you, or those countless students I've encountered through the years?  It's a funny list; at the very least, it brings a smile to my face.

Here's my "What Makes Me Awesome!" list:

• I am one of the funniest people I know.
• I make a great roasted chicken.
• I am good at planning events.
• I use my intuition a lot.
• I'm empathic.
• I am bootylicious!
• I learn from others' mistakes as well as my own.
• I stand up for what I believe in.
• I'm pretty smart.
• I have great hair!
• I have very expressive eyes.
• I sing nicely.
• I try my best at everything I do.
• I am sweet.
• I'm just a little sarcastic; enough to be funny, not enough to be bitter.
• I like baseball and boxing.
• I laugh loud and hard, and often.
• I cry.
• I'm an excellent kisser; I can tell!
• I don't take myself, or any of the above, too seriously.

I challenge you to make your own "What Makes Me Awesome!" list, sooner than later.  I promise you, it will put a smile on your face. 

P.S.: I don't think you're ready for this jelly!

You Were Loved - For The Young Women in My Life

Last year, I met two amazing women at a conference, Dr. Barbara Seals Nevergold and Dr. Peggy Brooks-Bertram. They are the co-founders of the Uncrowned Queens Institute for Research and Education on Women at the University of Buffalo. Together, they compiled and edited a book of letters to Michelle Obama called Go, Tell Michelle: African American Women Write to the New First Lady. As they talked about the book and the different women who contributed (young, veteran, teenaged, African-American, Latina, and Caucasian), those of us sitting in the room cried. We cried because the experiences of these women resonated in our spirits. They wrote letters to Michelle that expressed pride, not just in Michelle as the new First Lady, but as Michelle the mother, the intellectual, the lawyer, the administrator, the wife, and the daughter. Through their letters, these women showed us that we all had a little bit of Michelle Obama in each of us.

I was so touched by Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram that I decided to do an activity with my women's leadership group shortly after the conference. I read some of the letters in the book and asked the women what they heard, saw, and felt as they listened to some of the women's experiences. Then I asked them to write a letter to themselves - either their past self or their future self. The experience of writing a letter to yourself is something everyone should do. The young women who participated in this activity shared their fears, their doubts, and their hopes and dreams in their letters. Those who read them aloud found that giving voice to what they had written gave them power. There were a lot of tears that day; the activity had a cleansing impact on all who were present.

I was able to write a letter as well. My letter was to my past self. Tonight, on the eve of the biggest event for the women's leadership group I advise, I found my letter. It is no coincidence that Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram will be at this event tomorrow; I was so touched by them that I talked with our Coordinator of Multicultural Affairs, who happens to know Dr. Seals Nevergold, and she arranged for them to speak during our Women's Expo. Even as I reread my letter, I'm reliving the experience of writing that letter last year. My letter reads as follows:

"Dear Trish,

If you only knew what the future would hold, you would have enjoyed your childhood so much more. You would have stopped worrying, stopped crying, stopped beating yourself up. You would have noticed that you were beautiful. You would have realized that you really were loved. You would have taken pleasure in the care you received. You would have appreciated those who appreciated you. You would have kept those close friends closer. You would not have let some of them go. You would have told your 'friends', those who smiled in your face but talked behind your back, that their actions only served to push you forward into a brighter future, filled with hope and promise. You would have told yourself that you love yourself. And you would have let yourself be loved more.

If you only knew what the future would hold, you could have relaxed, and allowed God to bless you with all that He desired for you.

Remember how carefree these days really are. Remember how close your family is to you. Remember all those times your father walked you to and from school, and even during high school, he walked you to the bus stop. That was love. Remember your mother playing with your hair. That was love. Remember your sisters dressing you, brushing your hair, and buying you cute clothes. That was love. Remember your brothers teaching you how to dance the hustle, play football, and buying you Zingers and Scooter Pies. That was love.

Remember, you were loved. That was all you needed. That is all you'll ever need.

Love, Trish"

I wrote that letter to my past, younger self, but even as I read it tonight, it is a letter to myself last year, last month, and last week. And I hope that it will serve to remind all of the young women in my life that you are loved. I love you, I thank God for giving me all of you as a gift and a blessing. I thank you for loving me. You all remind me everyday that God exists, because God is love.

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You Lessons On Love (From Someone Who's Still Learning...)

For the past two and half years, I have been involved in the development of a women's leadership program on my campus. Primarily, the young women are taught skills to assist them in networking and other situations that require professional etiquette. However, over the past year, we instituted a support aspect to the program, where any issue relevant to women is discussed in an informal setting. In the past, we have discussed a wide variety of topics, but many of these revolve around relationships - not just intimate relationships, but those with our parents, siblings, and other women.

These support sessions have allowed me to develop deeper individual relationships with my female students. Many of them stop by my office to talk one-on-one, sharing personal issues and seeking clarification. I even find myself sharing some personal experiences that I think might help them. During these individual sessions I grow, and I learn how important it is to allow my own experiences to become lessons for these younger women.

This hasn't been easy. Over the past ten years, I haven't had many experiences to share. In the past ten years, I have experienced separation and divorce. I have been naive and gullible, vulnerable to men who prey on women who wear their hearts on their sleeves. I have been unable to trust, unable to believe what a man says, because I just did not expect any man to keep his word. If a man makes a vow before God to stay married to you, and breaks that vow, who are you supposed to believe? I isolated myself, protected myself, and pushed people away, content for awhile to stay in superficial relationships. Only a select few could see the pain I was experiencing in the midst of my isolation.

A grad school professor once told me, "You have such a beautiful heart. It's such a shame you won't allow anyone to see it." I didn't understand what he meant at first - I thought I was friendly, outgoing, extroverted, and people connected well with me. After reflecting on his words, I realized what he meant. My heart had been so broken that I created several personas. People could share anything with me, could even trust me, but they never really experienced me genuinely. It seemed I was a great listener, but I grew farther and farther away from feeling empathy for others, because I was no longer allowing myself to experience pain. In avoiding pain, however, I began avoiding all other emotions, including love.

Don't get me wrong, I longed for deep, intimate, authentic relationships, but I wasn't willing to risk my heart to develop them. My heart developed a hard shell around it. It manifested itself in my sarcastic "sense of humor", cynicism, and judgment. I became known as a strong, assertive woman. Some people even found me intimidating. Some men who tried to get close got absolutely no response to me. Some got laughed at. Some were told, right from the first conversation, what I was not willing to compromise. Needless to say, there weren't very many positive encounters with men throughout the past ten years.

As the young women I work with know, I was reticent to participate in the women's leadership program I advise. I felt insecure and afraid. How could I lead a group of women when I don't even know what to do myself? I wasn't sure how to be. I translated "being" into "doing" a whole lot. When I "do", I show myself to "be" confident, poised, intelligent, accomplished, and fearless. Uh huh. As I observed these young women following my lead and becoming just as burned out and lost as I was, I knew it was my responsibility to change ME. I had to stop trying to DO to cover up not knowing who I was supposed to BE.

Over the past year, a person came into my life at the exact time when I decided I was tired of "doing" and decided to "be". I was excited, but I was so scared. This risk would involve me letting down a carefully constructed wall around my heart. It required me to do things I would not have done. I kept being prompted by the Voice within me to love...love...love. Even when the person didn't treat me the way I thought I deserved to be treated, I was prompted to love. I gave when I didn't want to give. I apologized when I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Believe me, there were a few times (okay, more than a few) when I picked up the defense mechanisms I had developed to guard my heart, and I tried to push the person away. Several times, I said and did things that men expect women to do, not because that was how I really felt, but because unconsciously, I knew it would push him away. A few times, no matter what I said, he stuck with me. What a surprise. And what a humbling experience. I learned a lot over the past year that is helping me grow, and I hope will help the young women I work with as well.

Here's what I learned:

1. True love means giving without expectation of receiving. When you deposit love into someone, you may not receive it in the way you deposited it, but it will come back to you in a form you may not recognize. Be open to receiving love in many different forms.

2. Love is hard, dirty work. People are different. Just because you have some things in common with another person, and those commonalities attract you to each other, doesn't mean that the person thinks or feels the way you do. Be open to hearing another's thoughts and feelings, and to accepting them as truths in that person's life.

3. Love hurts. You will argue. You will betray each other. Not having lived the other person's life, you will misunderstand him or her. At some point, you will get it wrong. Be open to asking for forgiveness, but most importantly, for your sake, be open to forgiving, even if the other person doesn't apologize.

4. True love teaches you to love everyone. Be open to "chance" encounters with people you would not normally connect with. They are meant to enhance your life and help you grow and stretch in the areas where you need growth and stretching.

5. Love never fails. A relationship may not work out, but it doesn't mean you've failed. You've been refined and polished for the next relationship. And, if you truly loved that person, he or she will always be a part of you. Be open to seeing a relationship that has ended as a completed chapter. The next chapter will begin with wisdom, strength, and grace that you learned about in the previous chapter.

This is personal, but my attempt to be transparent has a greater purpose than just sharing a personal experience. It's helping me be more genuine, develop deeper connections with others, and, hopefully, will serve as an example to the young women I work with, and love.

Trish

Who Am I When I'm With You?

Recently, a student stopped by my office to chat and catch up after winter break. A few minutes later, another student came by to discuss details for a project we're working on. The second student knew the first through an experience they recently shared. We got into an interesting conversation that took a turn towards intense and emotional. The conversation started with the second student telling the first something to the effect of, "I'm so glad I got to know you during the experience we shared. My first impression of you was so different from what it is now. You need to share who you are with other people." I jumped on that bandwagon quickly, because I agreed wholeheartedly. I have told the first student, several times, that I wanted her to become more involved on campus because I have always seen leadership qualities in her.

So...you would think student #1 would see those comments as a compliment, right? Well, not so much. She basically let us know that she was well aware of her qualities, and she was fine just sharing them with her family and friends, because those are the people she chooses to share her influential qualities with. She stated that she doesn't care to share who she is with people who have a negative first impression of her, and if they judged her based on their first impression of her, they weren't people she wanted to get to know, or allow to know her.

Student #2 and I proceeded to try to "educate" student #1 - telling her that first impressions were important, but that if she opened up to allow others to get to know her as student #2 had the opportunity to do, they would get to know who she "really" was. Not only was student #1 missing out on getting to know others outside of her circle, but those others were missing out on getting to know her. We even got into a discussion about trust, and not letting others into our hearts for fear of getting hurt. Yes, it got deep like that.

Student #1 turned that around on us by telling us that she is who she is, regardless of the impression she makes on others. She looked at me and said, "You're not with me all the time, so you don't see who I am when I'm not with you." Although student #2 and I still thought we were doing a good thing, this conversation caused tears, anger, and frustration. Student #1 felt judged by us, even though we thought we were pointing out positive things we saw in her. However, in attempting to point out what we thought was good, we also highlighted what we thought was negative in her life. That's where we were judgmental. That's where we went wrong.

Was the conversation helpful to student #1? I'm not sure. However, it was helpful to me, and possibly to student #2. As a counselor who works with college students, I have pointed out my students' leadership qualities and tried to steer them towards organizations or causes...because that's what I did as a college student, and what I still do. Student #2 holds several leadership positions on campus herself. We tried to push student #1 to see things through our perspective, and to do things our way. However, student #1 might have it right.

After all of my years of working with students, student #1 reminded me of what is really important: Who am I when I'm with you? The present - and the process of BEING with someone - is what matters most.

I don't even have to ask if I was right. I know I wasn't.

All Things to All People?

I LOVE counseling. LOVE IT. I'm not sure of any other profession where you are actually able to reap the rewards for your hard work almost on a daily basis. Two weeks ago, I spent a little over an hour with a student who is committed to working on some personal issues that hamper her relationships. As we sat there, she realized the root of her inability to maintain intimate personal relationships, and I could almost see the light bulb turn on in her head. That epiphanic connection made the late stay at the office worth it for me, and I can truthfully say that I experience those moments almost on a weekly basis.

However, there are times when I just want to walk away from the profession. For all of the beautiful moments and the rewarding outcomes of my job, the times where I can't help a student are the ones that weigh heaviest on my heart.

I utilize a variety of counseling techniques based on several theories that resonate with me. I love Carl Rogers' Person-Centered theory, Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior therapy, even my homeboy Fritz Perls with his Gestalt therapy gets some play. (WHAT? I'm a counseling geek!) I also keep student development theory in mind when working with my college-aged students. I try to work with students on the level of development they demonstrate when they come to me, while attempting to motivate them to push themselves to the next level. This usually works for me. However, I have encountered a few challenges that no theory could withstand. One is that I may not be privy to important information about the student that could assist in my work with that individual. Another is the student's desire (or lack thereof) to be helped. Oh, and then there's the challenge of working with a student without the support of his or her parents or other professionals when the student cannot make rational decisions of his or her own volition. These issues lead to crises that are antithetical to the rewarding moments in my job. These crises are similar to holding the entire weight of another's life in your hands, and then dropping it.

I had such a moment very recently. The details don't matter. What matters is that I had no reassurance that the student would get the help he or she needed. I knew it was beyond me, but I could not understand why practically everyone else involved seemed to be okay with washing their hands of the "problem" (aka the student). I was AFRAID. What does a counselor do when she has done all she could, and it wasn't enough?

After crying and writing and praying and crying some more, I realized a very important fact about my job that I had forgotten: I CANNOT BE ALL THINGS TO ALL PEOPLE. Sometimes what I do is not going to work. Sometimes legislation, bureaucracy, and apathy will win out. Sometimes I have to let go, and let that blossoming adult make his or her own decisions and deal with the consequences. That doesn't take away from the light bulb moments. As a matter of fact, it will make the next light bulb moment that much sweeter.

Am I right or what? I don't know. I really don't.

The CTC Moment

Lunch with a few counselors can be somewhat exhausting, especially when it's three women who are coworkers as well as friends. About a year ago, my two coworker/friends and I were eating lunch in my friend CC's (not her real name) office. We were sharing personal stories, which is what we do when we escape to CC's office for an "all-girls'" lunch. A simple "what are you doing this weekend?" led to a story about CC's father and stepmother. She went through the myriad of emotions many of us feel around our families: guilt, sadness, guilt, frustration, guilt. (Did I mention guilt?) She talked about how she always has to make plans to see her father because he doesn't seem interested in making time to see her. She felt obligated to drive an hour to see them early so that she wouldn't interfere with the rest of their day's plans, but she was tired from work and didn't really want to. As I listened to her and watched her get teary-eyed, I gave her the best counseling advice I could give during lunch: "CUT THE CRAP!"

She was a bit taken aback, but what I said afterwards clarified my little outburst. The real issue was that her mom died and her brother is estranged, so her father is the only family she has, and he's only in the upstate New York area for six months out of the year. I told her to accept the truth that he is her only family and to suck it up, because if SHE wanted to see her father, SHE had to make the plans to see him. What was most important was not who initiated the contact, but that they actually spent time together. I told her she had already lost her mother and that she should make the best of whatever time she had with her father. After the initial shock of my sage but tactless advice, she agreed. She dried the tears, and thus the phrase "CTC moment" was born.

After I saw how well CTC worked with my colleague, I decided that I might have to use it with my students. The opportunity came up when I received a phone call that a student was having some academic and emotional difficulties. That student was referred to me, and as she talked about her self-destructive behaviors, she also provided the reasons for, as well as how she rationalizes, her harmful activities. There was nothing for me to figure out, nothing to look for, because she provided it all for me. The only solution, as I saw it, was for her to "CUT THE CRAP!" She knew the root of her problems. She had the resources to get well. All she needed to do was make the choice to get well. Did she? I'm not sure, but I know I made it pretty clear that her rationalizations were "crap" and she needed to get past them so that she could achieve her academic and personal goals.

"CUT THE CRAP!" is the crudest way to describe my counseling philosophy. As I get older, I find that my patience for whining grows thin pretty quickly. If my students don't understand the reasons for their behavior, I help them get to those reasons, and then make an action plan for moving past them, so that they can achieve their goals. Truly, if we cut through the excuses, rationalizations, and fears that guide our (in)action(s), we would get to the true desires of our hearts.

The CTC Moment is a catalyst for change in an individual's life, whether he or she needs to change a thought, emotion, or behavior. Am I right or what?