Last night, I was flipping the channels between VH1 and E! on a quest to give my mind a break. Although I get easily annoyed by the privileged and spoiled, I decided to watch a couple of episodes of Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, as well as Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch and The T.O. Show. Although I realize that these so-called reality shows are very much scripted, I was intrigued by the interwoven themes in these shows, especially between the Kardashians' and Terrell Owens' lives as played out for all of us to see. (My brain doesn't like to take long breaks, apparently.)
The ongoing saga of Kourtney Kardashian's relationship with Scott Disick (her "babydaddy") grew even more dramatic with his (self-)destructive actions, his admission of problems with alcohol and decision to seek therapy. Meanwhile, on VH1, T.O. discussed problems in his current relationship with his girlfriend Kari with his therapist. In both shows, the men seem to realize that their behavior is impacting their relationships negatively. They seem to value the women in their lives, but don't want these women to hold them accountable for their behavior. The women seem to put up with behavior that they know is unacceptable, and although Kari seems pretty firm with Terrell about ending their relationship, she's asserted herself before, only to find herself right back in the same situation. Same with Kourtney, who seems quite strong-willed and sometimes incapable of listening to others, yet she takes Scott back time after time with no real improvement. (So okay, I know a little more about these shows than I originally let on.)
Here's my question: Did these women realize the history and baggage these men have carried with them before getting involved? Was there no indication that these men are quite self-absorbed; no red flags, no doubts floating through these women's minds that these men were destined to bring pain along for the ride? Of course. Kourtney and Kari knew this. Who wouldn't know that someone like T.O., who's not a team player and can't stay committed to one football team, would have difficulty committing to one woman? Who wouldn't know that Scott, who didn't have a job before the Kardashian Konnection (sorry!) hooked him up, was basically sponging off of the fame and fortune of a family in the spotlight? These women have demonstrated that they are not stupid, and that they have respect for themselves, yet they expected more from these men than either of them have demonstrated they could do.
I'm not judging. Believe me, I am not one to judge. I've asked myself the same questions. I'm known to be strong-willed, intelligent, independent, and feisty. Yet, I have found myself wondering where that strong woman goes when the man in my life demonstrates behavior that I find unacceptable.
Here's my theory, though it's getting late and I haven't fully formed it: In our society, women have been conditioned to believe that men are to be loved, and not respected. Flow with me here. Mothers love their sons in ways that make it difficult for boys to understand that, if they want respect, it must be earned. For example, my mother did not require the males in the family to lift a finger to clean. The cleaning was done by my sisters and me. While my brothers participated in sports on Saturday mornings, I cleaned their rooms. There was no expectation that they should clean up the mess they made. Now, for the most part my brothers are good men. However, using the cleaning analogy, THE MEN DID NOT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THEIR MESS. THEIR MESS WAS CLEANED UP BY A WOMAN. Some men (I won't generalize) are raised to believe that they are not accountable for their actions. When men are not held accountable, they do not learn how to earn respect. In the Bible, in the book of Ephesians, chapter five, verse 33 says, "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." While the Word of God admonishes men to love their wives as themselves (causing them to have to examine their own self-love and stepping out of themselves to love someone else), it admonishes women to RESPECT their husbands. Interesting, isn't it? How easy is it to respect someone who hasn't earned it? Not very.
A few months ago, I dreamt that I was surprising a man that I had been dating for awhile. I walked into his apartment, into his bedroom, and found another woman hiding in the room. In the dream, I proceeded to clean up after the other woman (right after I pulled her up by her hair and threw her out of the apartment, of course. I said I was feisty.) A couple more women came in, and I threw them out, cleaning up any traces of women who this man was carrying on with. Meanwhile, although in the dream he seemed fearful of the possibility of losing me, this man did nothing but stand by and watch. The dream ended when an older woman who seemed to have this man's respect came in and told him that he needed to stop messing around with so many women and look to God to fill the void in his life.
WOW. What did that dream symbolize? Aside from the fact that God symbolizes the ultimate authority who has expectations of us and holds us accountable for our actions, I believe it meant that I needed to stop "cleaning up" after the messes of the men in my life, whether they be a love interest, my brothers, even my male students. In my work, I need to make sure that I hold ALL of my students accountable to achieving their goals, but I notice that, while female students often come to me with specific goals and action steps in mind, male students might have one long-term goal (often to make money), but no clear and specific ways that they will achieve that goal. It will only benefit them if I ask them to make short term goals and objectives, and as they achieve short-term goals, express pride in, and respect for, their accomplishments. This will help them to "earn" the respect men truly desire from women.
Men are so lovable, and we can't help but to love them. But we really need to respect them. And the best way I believe I can genuinely respect a man is to demonstrate to him, in a loving but firm manner, that I have expectations of him that are realistic and achievable, and then to hold him accountable for meeting those expectations. And then, when those expectations are met or exceeded, I can shower him with the love and respect he truly deserves. Am I right or what?
To be continued...(or, on the next episode of...)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
How Open is Too Open?
Over the weekend I attended a conference for college counselors and academic advisors. One of the recurring themes of the conference was intrusive advising. Intrusive advising, as described by several academic advising sources, is proactive, caring contact with students with the goal of inspiring academic motivation and persistence in students, especially "at-risk" students. For example, one technique of intrusive advising is to attend events where students are participants, even if those events occur "after-hours". One of the questions that was discussed either in workshops or among counselors was the use of social networking as an intrusive advising technique. Facebook is commonly used by colleges as a resource for connecting with students, because we all know that, if a student doesn't respond to emails, he or she will see your message on their Facebook page.
Personally, I created my Facebook profile because a student asked me to. She was able to convince me, after several conversations, that Facebook would be a great way to connect with my students, so I gave in after many years of rejecting the notion of using social networking sites. I started with one simple rule about Facebook that I still follow to this day: I would not request any of my students as friends, but if they requested me, I would accept their request. I even had the conversation with several students that they might not want to request me as a friend if they thought there was something on their Facebook page that they really didn't want me to see. I frequently used Facebook posts to remind students of deadline dates, post events for my women's leadership group, and even encourage students to study and work hard.
Then something happened. I had an active Facebook page for about a year when an old high school and college friend posted old pictures and tagged me in them. She was connected to many of my old high school and college friends and acquaintances. When we left college, there was no such thing as the internet, much less Facebook. There was barely email. I'd lost contact with many people who I'd connected with in high school and college, and Facebook became the easiest way to get back in contact without having to spend hours on the telephone, which was and still is pretty impractical. Within the span of one month, the number of Facebook connections I'd made tripled. There was lots of photo-tagging, so my students were privy to pictures of my old college days. My family started to join Facebook too, so my students were seeing posts by my family members, as well as photos of family events, because photos are so easy to share and upload onto one place - and where better than Facebook, where you can comment on photos? Soon, former students from my teaching days were requesting me. Then, people from the church I attend began requesting me. Of course, nothing I posted or was tagged in was inappropriate or offensive, but a line was crossed. I was becoming more than just an advisor and counselor to my students. I was becoming a whole person. Gaps in their knowledge of who I am were slowly becoming filled.
As I reconnected with more people on Facebook, it became easier to use it for personal purposes, and not so much for the purpose of providing information to my students. There is a group page for my women's leadership group where I post events. When the earthquake struck in Haiti this past January, I created a Facebook page for students on my college campus to discuss ideas on how to help. My personal page became much more personal. It was a place where I could share my spiritual beliefs, keep in contact with friends, and be my normally sarcastic self. I also post some of my writing on Facebook for feedback from those who know me. I have found that, through Facebook as well as this blog, I have been able to help people open up about some of the same issues I write or post updates about. I've received private messages from many, many people who've said that even a simple status update has provided them with new perspectives and encouragement.
My last blog post was a laborious outpouring of some of the thoughts and feelings I'd been wrestling with. When I'd finished the blog post, I felt as if I had given birth to new understanding of myself. I felt more clarity. I added the link to my Facebook page as usual. I received feedback from others who said that they needed to read those words; they had also received clarity. I felt great. The following morning, I received a private message from a person who considers herself my friend, saying that she felt my pain. Then she asked, "Why do you feel you have to share this with the Facebook audience?" Immediately, I felt judged. I began to question if I had been too open, if I had shared too much. I began to doubt the positive effect my words might have had on those who had read them. In addition, I questioned my whole purpose for beginning this blog, which was to write more often with purpose so that I could fulfill my life-long dream of being a writer. What I found interesting in that message was that, under the guise of being concerned about me, the person really wanted to know how I could be so open with what was in my heart.
Then, on the way home from the conference, I had an interesting conversation with a colleague. Going back to one of the conference themes of intrusive advising, she discussed a situation where she also thought I had opened up, maybe a little too much, to some of my students. From my point of view, my years of experience have provided me with the wisdom and good judgment to decide what is "too open". I explained that I might approach things differently based on those experiences. After a long discussion, she came to the conclusion that SHE might not be as comfortable sharing so much with her students as I seem to be, and connected that new awareness with feedback she'd received from some students. It was a "light-bulb" moment for her. She realized that, rather than be so concerned with my decisions regarding being open, she would benefit greatly from reflecting upon how open she would like to be with her students.
To be clear, in my opinion, there's nothing inappropriate or vulgar about me or what I share, either on Facebook or this blog. I never reveal names or specifics about people, and I keep others' confidences. What students get when they see my Facebook page are glimpses of the real me. When they become aware that I am a real person with real challenges and real victories, they let down their guards and become more real with themselves, and with me. It leads to an open counseling relationship where I can be honest with them, and encourage them to be honest with themselves, about their challenges, which could possibly propel them forward into victory.
I believe I'm able to discern what is ethical, right, and appropriate to share about who I am as a person. I am okay with being open with others, including my students. Maybe those who aren't as open might need to examine themselves, or just leave me alone. Am I right or what?
Personally, I created my Facebook profile because a student asked me to. She was able to convince me, after several conversations, that Facebook would be a great way to connect with my students, so I gave in after many years of rejecting the notion of using social networking sites. I started with one simple rule about Facebook that I still follow to this day: I would not request any of my students as friends, but if they requested me, I would accept their request. I even had the conversation with several students that they might not want to request me as a friend if they thought there was something on their Facebook page that they really didn't want me to see. I frequently used Facebook posts to remind students of deadline dates, post events for my women's leadership group, and even encourage students to study and work hard.
Then something happened. I had an active Facebook page for about a year when an old high school and college friend posted old pictures and tagged me in them. She was connected to many of my old high school and college friends and acquaintances. When we left college, there was no such thing as the internet, much less Facebook. There was barely email. I'd lost contact with many people who I'd connected with in high school and college, and Facebook became the easiest way to get back in contact without having to spend hours on the telephone, which was and still is pretty impractical. Within the span of one month, the number of Facebook connections I'd made tripled. There was lots of photo-tagging, so my students were privy to pictures of my old college days. My family started to join Facebook too, so my students were seeing posts by my family members, as well as photos of family events, because photos are so easy to share and upload onto one place - and where better than Facebook, where you can comment on photos? Soon, former students from my teaching days were requesting me. Then, people from the church I attend began requesting me. Of course, nothing I posted or was tagged in was inappropriate or offensive, but a line was crossed. I was becoming more than just an advisor and counselor to my students. I was becoming a whole person. Gaps in their knowledge of who I am were slowly becoming filled.
As I reconnected with more people on Facebook, it became easier to use it for personal purposes, and not so much for the purpose of providing information to my students. There is a group page for my women's leadership group where I post events. When the earthquake struck in Haiti this past January, I created a Facebook page for students on my college campus to discuss ideas on how to help. My personal page became much more personal. It was a place where I could share my spiritual beliefs, keep in contact with friends, and be my normally sarcastic self. I also post some of my writing on Facebook for feedback from those who know me. I have found that, through Facebook as well as this blog, I have been able to help people open up about some of the same issues I write or post updates about. I've received private messages from many, many people who've said that even a simple status update has provided them with new perspectives and encouragement.
My last blog post was a laborious outpouring of some of the thoughts and feelings I'd been wrestling with. When I'd finished the blog post, I felt as if I had given birth to new understanding of myself. I felt more clarity. I added the link to my Facebook page as usual. I received feedback from others who said that they needed to read those words; they had also received clarity. I felt great. The following morning, I received a private message from a person who considers herself my friend, saying that she felt my pain. Then she asked, "Why do you feel you have to share this with the Facebook audience?" Immediately, I felt judged. I began to question if I had been too open, if I had shared too much. I began to doubt the positive effect my words might have had on those who had read them. In addition, I questioned my whole purpose for beginning this blog, which was to write more often with purpose so that I could fulfill my life-long dream of being a writer. What I found interesting in that message was that, under the guise of being concerned about me, the person really wanted to know how I could be so open with what was in my heart.
Then, on the way home from the conference, I had an interesting conversation with a colleague. Going back to one of the conference themes of intrusive advising, she discussed a situation where she also thought I had opened up, maybe a little too much, to some of my students. From my point of view, my years of experience have provided me with the wisdom and good judgment to decide what is "too open". I explained that I might approach things differently based on those experiences. After a long discussion, she came to the conclusion that SHE might not be as comfortable sharing so much with her students as I seem to be, and connected that new awareness with feedback she'd received from some students. It was a "light-bulb" moment for her. She realized that, rather than be so concerned with my decisions regarding being open, she would benefit greatly from reflecting upon how open she would like to be with her students.
To be clear, in my opinion, there's nothing inappropriate or vulgar about me or what I share, either on Facebook or this blog. I never reveal names or specifics about people, and I keep others' confidences. What students get when they see my Facebook page are glimpses of the real me. When they become aware that I am a real person with real challenges and real victories, they let down their guards and become more real with themselves, and with me. It leads to an open counseling relationship where I can be honest with them, and encourage them to be honest with themselves, about their challenges, which could possibly propel them forward into victory.
I believe I'm able to discern what is ethical, right, and appropriate to share about who I am as a person. I am okay with being open with others, including my students. Maybe those who aren't as open might need to examine themselves, or just leave me alone. Am I right or what?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I Used to Love Him...But Now I Don't (Well, Maybe I Still Do, A Little Bit)
This afternoon on my way home from work, I was listening to a favorite song of mine by Lauryn Hill, called "I Used to Love Him". It is a song that resonates with many a woman who has been the victim of a broken heart. Although Lauryn Hill recorded this song in 1998, many of the young women I work with think the album "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" is a classic that still speaks what's in their hearts. I tend to agree.
"One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight"
Who doesn't know the feeling of being swept away in a rush of emotion for another human being? Many times, loving someone makes it difficult to think objectively and make rational decisions. The phrase "love is blind" comes to mind. How many times have your friends told you, "I don't know what you see in him/her?" Yet, something about the person you love awakens a possible "sixth sense" within you - a more spiritual, supernatural sense that "sees" what others don't see about the loved one.
"I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend"
A recurring issue in the Woman II Woman support sessions I facilitate is the guarded heart. The pain of being heart-broken - many times precipitated by the absence of a father - causes so many women to shut down emotionally, not allowing others to truly experience their genuine inner beauty. Sometimes, walls erected to protect the heart calcify to the point where we're no longer able to identify the emotions we begin to feel when we're asked to engage in relationships. The decision to engage is a courageous one. Love brings pain as well as passion. The giddy happiness that first accompanies love can, sometimes very quickly, turn to fear and anxiety. Expectations begin to weigh down the relationship to the point where you might think, "If I don't get what I expect, I won't have the upper hand." It seems that relationships become power struggles rather than partnerships. Yet, once the protective walls around our hearts come down, we struggle with setting boundaries, compromise more (which sometimes is a bad thing), and can't seem to give up the pain - because we're waiting for the passion to come back.
"See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded"
After experiencing more pain in a relationship, we reach a point where we have to decide if this is the road we should be traveling. Often, we spend more time debating the pros and cons of a relationship than we do actually experiencing and enjoying the relationship. Our expectations, and others' expectations for us, can lead us to believe a relationship is supposed to go in a certain direction. Many times we look at what we consider to be successful relationships and say, "I want what they have." However, we don't see beyond the surface of others' relationships. We don't know what they're struggling with, and take it from me: every successful relationship has been through at least one major struggle. As the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."
Many times we engage in relationships without taking the time to reflect on the difference between our wants and needs. I might want someone to call me everyday, but do I really need it? Would three times a week of genuine conversation be more akin to what I need? Is it more important to receive gifts, or to know that, in your greatest time of need, that person will be there for you? Sometimes we're in the wrong relationship for us because we're so distracted by what we want that we never stop to think about what we really need. Our own lack of self-reflection causes us to feel frustrated. Only true awareness and introspection can move us out of the rut caused by the disappointment of unmet expectations.
"Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn"
Bleeding is the emission of blood from the body, whether internally or externally. No one can bleed for you; only you can emit blood from your own body. Bleeding can also be considered draining, and in the case of love, time alone, in anguish and pain, can have a cleansing effect. Once the bleeding caused by brokenness diminishes, the healing process can begin.
"Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean
See, my soul was weary, but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished"
This particular lyric hits close to home for me. For those who haven't followed my blog posts, I was previously married. It wasn't a very long relationship, and truthfully, I was young and lacked the wisdom that comes with age and life experiences. Not only was the man foolish, I was foolish as well. I got married without really knowing and understanding what love is. I thought I needed to be married in order to find those qualities that were missing in me. So many times we're told that our companion in life should balance us; I wouldn't disagree with that, but we don't often understand that "balance" means steadiness or equilibrium. It doesn't mean that whatever we're missing will be compensated for by another human being. That's asking too much of someone. There's always a risk that the scale is more weighted on one side than the other. When my marriage ended, a chapter of my life was finished. Losing that "love" gave me the desire, the hunger and need, to find true love. I found that unconditional love in a relationship with God. I realize, in every interaction with everyone in my life, there is a capacity for hurt and disappointment to occur. With God, there's no abandonment. There's no pain. There's only the contentment of knowing that there's Someone who's always there for you. As Hebrews 13:5 states, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
"I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold, I took back my soul
And totally let my Creator control
The life which was His
The life which was His, to begin with"
Let me be transparent (can I be anything else?): I have been contacted by several men from my past, especially over the past three years or so. Some of these men broke my heart. Some of their hearts were broken by me. Apparently, and of course I speak only from personal experience, as men reach their mid- to late 30's, they seem to take time to reflect on some of their more genuine relationships. This is not to say that I was always as self-aware and introspective as I am now (a counseling degree doesn't hurt). It is to say that I wasn't as calculated, or manipulative, or guarded, as a life of broken relationships can cause a woman to become. I gave my heart irresponsibly, irreverently and with abandon, to some of these men. Some of them were little boys, and I didn't know how to be anything but a little girl who liked, or was liked by, those boys. Some of these men are unhappy in their marriages, and contact me to reminisce about the innocence of young love. Some of these men have experienced so many broken relationships with women in general, that they think going back to the one who first made their heart beat quickly is a way to start fresh; the heart's "do-over". Some of them, I think, might just have memories of me that make them smile. I have to admit that it is flattering to be contacted by the men in my past. However, I often wonder why there are so many from my past, but none (past or present) pursue a committed relationship with me (either because they're married or emotionally unavailable). I might be reaching, but sometimes I think God allows these re-encounters so that I could look back at who I was when I was involved with these men and remember who I am at my core. Before some of my heartbreaks, and the ultimate heartbreak of divorce, I was more willing and able to share my heart. I have a heart of gold. Everyone I know deserves the truest version of me. And the best way for me to be the truest version of me is to allow my Creator control over my life and my heart.
"I used to love him, but now I don't"
The difficulty in reuniting with past loves, for me, is having to reconcile who I was with who I am now. I can't throw out all of my experiences and reject the wisdom that comes with a broken heart. I need to let down my guard, but I need to protect myself as well. I want to be that innocent, loving, caring young girl I once was, but I still encounter men who forgot what it was like to feel. I'm dealing with men who have been so hurt and disappointed that they might even be looking to hurt that little girl in me who once broke their heart. However, the need to protect myself, so strong and essential in the ten years since the breakdown of my marriage, is being overcome by a need that is much stronger: the need to love and to be loved. I used to love him, and heartache, bitterness, and disappointment make me want to say "now I don't". But I would be lying.
Thank you, Lauryn Hill, for speaking what is in my heart, and the hearts of many women who have loved, and now don't, but still want to.
"One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses and blurred my sight"
Who doesn't know the feeling of being swept away in a rush of emotion for another human being? Many times, loving someone makes it difficult to think objectively and make rational decisions. The phrase "love is blind" comes to mind. How many times have your friends told you, "I don't know what you see in him/her?" Yet, something about the person you love awakens a possible "sixth sense" within you - a more spiritual, supernatural sense that "sees" what others don't see about the loved one.
"I chose the road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power, ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of, drug of a fiend"
A recurring issue in the Woman II Woman support sessions I facilitate is the guarded heart. The pain of being heart-broken - many times precipitated by the absence of a father - causes so many women to shut down emotionally, not allowing others to truly experience their genuine inner beauty. Sometimes, walls erected to protect the heart calcify to the point where we're no longer able to identify the emotions we begin to feel when we're asked to engage in relationships. The decision to engage is a courageous one. Love brings pain as well as passion. The giddy happiness that first accompanies love can, sometimes very quickly, turn to fear and anxiety. Expectations begin to weigh down the relationship to the point where you might think, "If I don't get what I expect, I won't have the upper hand." It seems that relationships become power struggles rather than partnerships. Yet, once the protective walls around our hearts come down, we struggle with setting boundaries, compromise more (which sometimes is a bad thing), and can't seem to give up the pain - because we're waiting for the passion to come back.
"See, torn and confused, wasted and used
Reached the crossroad, which path would I choose?
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When Momma said no, then I just should have heeded"
After experiencing more pain in a relationship, we reach a point where we have to decide if this is the road we should be traveling. Often, we spend more time debating the pros and cons of a relationship than we do actually experiencing and enjoying the relationship. Our expectations, and others' expectations for us, can lead us to believe a relationship is supposed to go in a certain direction. Many times we look at what we consider to be successful relationships and say, "I want what they have." However, we don't see beyond the surface of others' relationships. We don't know what they're struggling with, and take it from me: every successful relationship has been through at least one major struggle. As the saying goes, "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it."
Many times we engage in relationships without taking the time to reflect on the difference between our wants and needs. I might want someone to call me everyday, but do I really need it? Would three times a week of genuine conversation be more akin to what I need? Is it more important to receive gifts, or to know that, in your greatest time of need, that person will be there for you? Sometimes we're in the wrong relationship for us because we're so distracted by what we want that we never stop to think about what we really need. Our own lack of self-reflection causes us to feel frustrated. Only true awareness and introspection can move us out of the rut caused by the disappointment of unmet expectations.
"Misled, I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn"
Bleeding is the emission of blood from the body, whether internally or externally. No one can bleed for you; only you can emit blood from your own body. Bleeding can also be considered draining, and in the case of love, time alone, in anguish and pain, can have a cleansing effect. Once the bleeding caused by brokenness diminishes, the healing process can begin.
"Father, you saved me and you showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets and deeper than any ocean
See, my soul was weary, but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished"
This particular lyric hits close to home for me. For those who haven't followed my blog posts, I was previously married. It wasn't a very long relationship, and truthfully, I was young and lacked the wisdom that comes with age and life experiences. Not only was the man foolish, I was foolish as well. I got married without really knowing and understanding what love is. I thought I needed to be married in order to find those qualities that were missing in me. So many times we're told that our companion in life should balance us; I wouldn't disagree with that, but we don't often understand that "balance" means steadiness or equilibrium. It doesn't mean that whatever we're missing will be compensated for by another human being. That's asking too much of someone. There's always a risk that the scale is more weighted on one side than the other. When my marriage ended, a chapter of my life was finished. Losing that "love" gave me the desire, the hunger and need, to find true love. I found that unconditional love in a relationship with God. I realize, in every interaction with everyone in my life, there is a capacity for hurt and disappointment to occur. With God, there's no abandonment. There's no pain. There's only the contentment of knowing that there's Someone who's always there for you. As Hebrews 13:5 states, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."
"I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who's lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold, I took back my soul
And totally let my Creator control
The life which was His
The life which was His, to begin with"
Let me be transparent (can I be anything else?): I have been contacted by several men from my past, especially over the past three years or so. Some of these men broke my heart. Some of their hearts were broken by me. Apparently, and of course I speak only from personal experience, as men reach their mid- to late 30's, they seem to take time to reflect on some of their more genuine relationships. This is not to say that I was always as self-aware and introspective as I am now (a counseling degree doesn't hurt). It is to say that I wasn't as calculated, or manipulative, or guarded, as a life of broken relationships can cause a woman to become. I gave my heart irresponsibly, irreverently and with abandon, to some of these men. Some of them were little boys, and I didn't know how to be anything but a little girl who liked, or was liked by, those boys. Some of these men are unhappy in their marriages, and contact me to reminisce about the innocence of young love. Some of these men have experienced so many broken relationships with women in general, that they think going back to the one who first made their heart beat quickly is a way to start fresh; the heart's "do-over". Some of them, I think, might just have memories of me that make them smile. I have to admit that it is flattering to be contacted by the men in my past. However, I often wonder why there are so many from my past, but none (past or present) pursue a committed relationship with me (either because they're married or emotionally unavailable). I might be reaching, but sometimes I think God allows these re-encounters so that I could look back at who I was when I was involved with these men and remember who I am at my core. Before some of my heartbreaks, and the ultimate heartbreak of divorce, I was more willing and able to share my heart. I have a heart of gold. Everyone I know deserves the truest version of me. And the best way for me to be the truest version of me is to allow my Creator control over my life and my heart.
"I used to love him, but now I don't"
The difficulty in reuniting with past loves, for me, is having to reconcile who I was with who I am now. I can't throw out all of my experiences and reject the wisdom that comes with a broken heart. I need to let down my guard, but I need to protect myself as well. I want to be that innocent, loving, caring young girl I once was, but I still encounter men who forgot what it was like to feel. I'm dealing with men who have been so hurt and disappointed that they might even be looking to hurt that little girl in me who once broke their heart. However, the need to protect myself, so strong and essential in the ten years since the breakdown of my marriage, is being overcome by a need that is much stronger: the need to love and to be loved. I used to love him, and heartache, bitterness, and disappointment make me want to say "now I don't". But I would be lying.
Thank you, Lauryn Hill, for speaking what is in my heart, and the hearts of many women who have loved, and now don't, but still want to.
Monday, April 19, 2010
"Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask Before Assisting Others..."
Over the past weekend, I had the opportunity to attend the Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation conference in Baltimore, Maryland. The circumstances by which I attended this conference were almost serendipitous. A colleague heard about the conference and mentioned it to her supervisor, who said it would be a great professional development opportunity. Her supervisor then mentioned that she should ask me to go. INTERESTING. We work in separate divisions, and I'm not someone in the supervisor's sphere on a daily basis. So, when I heard about this conference, took a look at the website and the workshop descriptions, and found out I would be getting a free trip to Baltimore, I thought, HECK YEAH!
The conference took place during a full weekend of events at work. My women's leadership group had an important culminating activity as part of their community service project on Saturday, and on Sunday the student staff we just hired for our summer program had their first training session. However, for some reason, I felt the need to go to this conference. I got the go-ahead from all parties involved, and I went. I truly enjoyed myself, and came back yesterday with a new energy that I needed.
The entire spring semester had been personally and professionally taxing. Family and relationship issues were weighing heavily on me, and I had been staying at work late almost every night. When I say late, I don't mean an hour. I was leaving work three or four hours later, either because I had an event to coordinate or attend, or because someone needed to talk to me. No matter how much I said I needed to take care of myself, I found myself sacrificing myself because I felt needed.
Finally, after several months of late nights and weekends at work, I got sick. Fever, chills, sore throat, sinus headache, and a cough lasted more than these things ever need to last. Obviously, my immune system was not working well. I had to miss several days of work during academic advisement, one of the busiest times of the semester. While I was home sick, I thought, "I have been sick for the past three days, had the past two days off from work because I have run myself into the ground, and I wonder, how do I stop that from happening?" When I was married, my ex-husband would make me get in bed when I started to look "peaked" as he used to say. But now, it doesn't seem to hit me until it hits me full force. No one is there to make me get in bed. No one is calling me to come home. No one really kicks me out of the office, either. People always tell me I need to take care of myself, but the question remains: "How do I take care of myself?"
The keynote speaker at the Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation, Dee Marshall, was a ball of energy who had so many inspiring things to say. The theme of her keynote speech was "Do You, Be You, Love You". I think I have the "Do You" and "Be You" portions down; and I do love myself, but as I stated in my last post, love requires action. I'm not doing anything to show myself, or others for that matter, that I love myself. Loving others requires that you love yourself first; you have to fill your own tank with love before trying to share love with others. At one point in her speech Ms. Marshall stated, "Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others." That really hit home. In order for me to "Love Me", I have to "secure my oxygen mask". Let's look at the definition of those words, courtesy of Dictionary.com:
Secure:
Verb: To free from danger or harm; make safe; to effect; make certain of; ensure; to protect from attack by taking cover. Adjective: Free from care; without anxiety.
Oxygen:
A nonmetallic element constituting 21 percent of the atmosphere by volume that occurs as a diatomic gas,
and in many compounds such as water and iron ore. It combines with most elements, and is essential for plant and animal respiration.
Mask:
Any protective covering for the face or head.
If we look at the definitions of the above words, the phrase "Secure your own oxygen mask" means to protect yourself from harm and ensure your safety by utilizing the necessary elements for your survival. Once you are able to identify the elements necessary for your survival, you can protect your mind, body, and spirit. Once all of these necessary elements of your life are protected - then, and only then - are you are able to assist others.
I find it interesting that the adjective "secure" means "free from care; without anxiety". Taking care of myself will help me to be free from care and less anxious. This will make me better and more effective to those who require my assistance.
The Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation conference gave me an opportunity to step back from everything that has caused me stress and anxiety, and affirmed that I am valuable enough, to myself and to others, to "secure my own oxygen mask". I am more determined now than I have ever been to learn what "loving me" really means. I know that once I can "love me" - by identifying the necessary elements for my survival and implementing them on a daily basis - others will have a better, more effective version of me.
Am I right or what? What are some ways we can "secure our oxygen masks"?
The conference took place during a full weekend of events at work. My women's leadership group had an important culminating activity as part of their community service project on Saturday, and on Sunday the student staff we just hired for our summer program had their first training session. However, for some reason, I felt the need to go to this conference. I got the go-ahead from all parties involved, and I went. I truly enjoyed myself, and came back yesterday with a new energy that I needed.
The entire spring semester had been personally and professionally taxing. Family and relationship issues were weighing heavily on me, and I had been staying at work late almost every night. When I say late, I don't mean an hour. I was leaving work three or four hours later, either because I had an event to coordinate or attend, or because someone needed to talk to me. No matter how much I said I needed to take care of myself, I found myself sacrificing myself because I felt needed.
Finally, after several months of late nights and weekends at work, I got sick. Fever, chills, sore throat, sinus headache, and a cough lasted more than these things ever need to last. Obviously, my immune system was not working well. I had to miss several days of work during academic advisement, one of the busiest times of the semester. While I was home sick, I thought, "I have been sick for the past three days, had the past two days off from work because I have run myself into the ground, and I wonder, how do I stop that from happening?" When I was married, my ex-husband would make me get in bed when I started to look "peaked" as he used to say. But now, it doesn't seem to hit me until it hits me full force. No one is there to make me get in bed. No one is calling me to come home. No one really kicks me out of the office, either. People always tell me I need to take care of myself, but the question remains: "How do I take care of myself?"
The keynote speaker at the Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation, Dee Marshall, was a ball of energy who had so many inspiring things to say. The theme of her keynote speech was "Do You, Be You, Love You". I think I have the "Do You" and "Be You" portions down; and I do love myself, but as I stated in my last post, love requires action. I'm not doing anything to show myself, or others for that matter, that I love myself. Loving others requires that you love yourself first; you have to fill your own tank with love before trying to share love with others. At one point in her speech Ms. Marshall stated, "Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others." That really hit home. In order for me to "Love Me", I have to "secure my oxygen mask". Let's look at the definition of those words, courtesy of Dictionary.com:
Secure:
Verb: To free from danger or harm; make safe; to effect; make certain of; ensure; to protect from attack by taking cover. Adjective: Free from care; without anxiety.
Oxygen:
A nonmetallic element constituting 21 percent of the atmosphere by volume that occurs as a diatomic gas,
and in many compounds such as water and iron ore. It combines with most elements, and is essential for plant and animal respiration.
Mask:
Any protective covering for the face or head.
If we look at the definitions of the above words, the phrase "Secure your own oxygen mask" means to protect yourself from harm and ensure your safety by utilizing the necessary elements for your survival. Once you are able to identify the elements necessary for your survival, you can protect your mind, body, and spirit. Once all of these necessary elements of your life are protected - then, and only then - are you are able to assist others.
I find it interesting that the adjective "secure" means "free from care; without anxiety". Taking care of myself will help me to be free from care and less anxious. This will make me better and more effective to those who require my assistance.
The Heal a Woman to Heal a Nation conference gave me an opportunity to step back from everything that has caused me stress and anxiety, and affirmed that I am valuable enough, to myself and to others, to "secure my own oxygen mask". I am more determined now than I have ever been to learn what "loving me" really means. I know that once I can "love me" - by identifying the necessary elements for my survival and implementing them on a daily basis - others will have a better, more effective version of me.
Am I right or what? What are some ways we can "secure our oxygen masks"?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
More Lessons on Love (Because I'm still learning...)
In a previous post, I wrote about having gone through divorce, and touched on my recent venture out into the world of dating. Although things haven't gone the way I hoped with that particular person, the experience served as empirical research as I seek to understand and empathize with the students I work with, the majority of whom are struggling in romantic relationships. A break in any relationship is painful, but it also provides an opportunity for reflection and growth.
I took some time to think about my experiences, and over the past few weeks have found that these reflections have been helpful to more than a few young women, and I decided to post them here. So, here are more lessons. Although they are directed towards women in relationships with men, I believe these are useful in all kinds of relationships.
- Trish
I took some time to think about my experiences, and over the past few weeks have found that these reflections have been helpful to more than a few young women, and I decided to post them here. So, here are more lessons. Although they are directed towards women in relationships with men, I believe these are useful in all kinds of relationships.
- You can fall in love many times. You'll always love those you fell in love with. But the one whom you show your appreciation to and who shows you he appreciates you is the one that lasts. You can live without someone you fell in love with. The one who shows you he doesn't want to live without you is the one that matters.
- Falling in love is a feeling. Living in love requires action. It is a demonstration of how you feel. If you don't demonstrate that you love the person you claim to love, then to that person, there is no love. People don't see feelings unless there's an action that demonstrates the feeling.
- If you, as the lover, cannot demonstrate how you feel, then you might want to reflect upon whether or not you love yourself. People who love themselves want to pour that love out onto others. If you're bankrupt in the love department, you believe you have nothing to give.
- Loving yourself is not selfish; it's actually selfish not to love yourself, because you don't want to share yourself with others when you have no love of self.
- People who are always worried about getting hurt lack love for themselves. They don't believe that someone else will want the best for them. They don't believe they are worthy of being treated well.
- Don't get stuck on one person, especially if he's not showing you that he loves you. But be careful that you're not looking for one specific demonstration of love. There are many ways to show love. It's when there's no action behind the words "I love you" that you need to move on.
- Believe that you can, and will, fall in love again. There's not one "soulmate" for everyone. The person who wants to work through the hard work of love with you is your mate. Walking in love together is what binds you to the person, not some cosmic force.
- Take the good you've learned from every relationship, and throw out the bad. Don't harbor any bad feelings for someone. Hurt people hurt people. If someone hurts you, try to see what's behind the hurt. There are, most likely, issues of rejection in that person's life. Don't let that person's issues attach themselves to you. But don't try to fix his issues either. Trying to fix someone is selfish. It's manipulative. You want to change or fix someone because you want him to do what you want, or be how you want him to be. He has to want to change for his own sake. Let that person go through his journey on his own. Who knows? His journey may lead him back to you.
- Be grateful for every opportunity you've had to demonstrate your love. It makes you better at loving yourself and others.
- Trish
Thursday, March 18, 2010
What Makes Me Awesome! (aka: The Little List That Could...)
In my years as an educator and counselor, I've found that countless students suffer from low self-esteem. There's no need to go into the consequences of low self-esteem (poor decision-making skills, anxiety, and problems in relationships are just a few). We have all have had a low opinion of ourselves at one point or another in our lives, but many of my students have experienced chronically low self-esteem. The worst part of this epidemic is that I can see the positive traits of my students so clearly, while they think so negatively of themselves that their self-perception becomes distorted.
As I've mentioned in a previous post, I like to use concepts from Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior theory in my counseling interventions, which is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. Rational Emotive Behavior theory claims that thoughts guide feelings and behaviors. Therefore, if one can change his or her thoughts, the feelings and behaviors will change accordingly. In the case of a client or student who has low self-esteem, I'll give him or her tasks or assignments. For example, a former student who thought he was ugly because of things he'd been told as a child was asked to look at himself in a mirror and give himself compliments. This was, obviously, very difficult for him to do, but we processed the activity until he could see the purpose and begin to find some positive things about his appearance. Another assignment I use often is to ask the student to list at least ten things he or she likes about him or herself, and share that list with me. The purpose is to start the process of thinking positively about oneself, in order to erase the previous recordings (usually of authoritative voices such as that of a parent or teacher) that have caused low self-esteem. I usually start the student off with something I like about him or her as an example. Obviously, these types of assignments require follow-up, and I always tell my students that they may feel extremely uncomfortable and may not believe themselves in the beginning, but with consistent repetition and paying attention to positive affirmation from others, they will eventually change some of the negative thoughts that cause low self-esteem.
Usually, the best way for me to know if what I ask students to do actually works, is to do it myself. I have very little time to practice EVERYTHING I preach. That's where insomnia enters the picture. Since I couldn't sleep last night, I made a list of things I like about myself, also known as the "What Makes Me Awesome!" list. After reading through the list, being realistic about what I think I'm good at and what I like about myself, I found that the list that I made could:
1. Make something I usually take for granted about myself just a bit more special;
2. Bring to mind the compliments and positive affirmations I've received from others; and most importantly,
3. Give me something tangible to read and reflect upon when I'm feeling a little less secure in who I am.
If that little list could do that for me, why can't it do the same for you, or those countless students I've encountered through the years? It's a funny list; at the very least, it brings a smile to my face.
Here's my "What Makes Me Awesome!" list:
P.S.: I don't think you're ready for this jelly!
As I've mentioned in a previous post, I like to use concepts from Albert Ellis' Rational Emotive Behavior theory in my counseling interventions, which is a form of cognitive behavioral therapy. Rational Emotive Behavior theory claims that thoughts guide feelings and behaviors. Therefore, if one can change his or her thoughts, the feelings and behaviors will change accordingly. In the case of a client or student who has low self-esteem, I'll give him or her tasks or assignments. For example, a former student who thought he was ugly because of things he'd been told as a child was asked to look at himself in a mirror and give himself compliments. This was, obviously, very difficult for him to do, but we processed the activity until he could see the purpose and begin to find some positive things about his appearance. Another assignment I use often is to ask the student to list at least ten things he or she likes about him or herself, and share that list with me. The purpose is to start the process of thinking positively about oneself, in order to erase the previous recordings (usually of authoritative voices such as that of a parent or teacher) that have caused low self-esteem. I usually start the student off with something I like about him or her as an example. Obviously, these types of assignments require follow-up, and I always tell my students that they may feel extremely uncomfortable and may not believe themselves in the beginning, but with consistent repetition and paying attention to positive affirmation from others, they will eventually change some of the negative thoughts that cause low self-esteem.
Usually, the best way for me to know if what I ask students to do actually works, is to do it myself. I have very little time to practice EVERYTHING I preach. That's where insomnia enters the picture. Since I couldn't sleep last night, I made a list of things I like about myself, also known as the "What Makes Me Awesome!" list. After reading through the list, being realistic about what I think I'm good at and what I like about myself, I found that the list that I made could:
1. Make something I usually take for granted about myself just a bit more special;
2. Bring to mind the compliments and positive affirmations I've received from others; and most importantly,
3. Give me something tangible to read and reflect upon when I'm feeling a little less secure in who I am.
If that little list could do that for me, why can't it do the same for you, or those countless students I've encountered through the years? It's a funny list; at the very least, it brings a smile to my face.
Here's my "What Makes Me Awesome!" list:
- I am one of the funniest people I know.
- I make a great roasted chicken.
- I am good at planning events.
- I use my intuition a lot.
- I'm empathic.
- I am bootylicious!
- I learn from others' mistakes as well as my own.
- I stand up for what I believe in.
- I'm pretty smart.
- I have great hair!
- I have very expressive eyes.
- I sing nicely.
- I try my best at everything I do.
- I am sweet.
- I'm just a little sarcastic; enough to be funny, not enough to be bitter.
- I like baseball and boxing.
- I laugh loud and hard, and often.
- I cry.
- I'm an excellent kisser; I can tell!
- I don't take myself, or any of the above, too seriously.
P.S.: I don't think you're ready for this jelly!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
You Were Loved - For The Young Women in My Life
Last year, I met two amazing women at a conference, Dr. Barbara Seals Nevergold and Dr. Peggy Brooks-Bertram. They are the co-founders of the Uncrowned Queens Institute for Research and Education on Women at the University of Buffalo. Together, they compiled and edited a book of letters to Michelle Obama called Go, Tell Michelle: African American Women Write to the New First Lady. As they talked about the book and the different women who contributed (young, veteran, teenaged, African-American, Latina, and Caucasian), those of us sitting in the room cried. We cried because the experiences of these women resonated in our spirits. They wrote letters to Michelle that expressed pride, not just in Michelle as the new First Lady, but as Michelle the mother, the intellectual, the lawyer, the administrator, the wife, and the daughter. Through their letters, these women showed us that we all had a little bit of Michelle Obama in each of us.
I was so touched by Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram that I decided to do an activity with my women's leadership group shortly after the conference. I read some of the letters in the book and asked the women what they heard, saw, and felt as they listened to some of the women's experiences. Then I asked them to write a letter to themselves - either their past self or their future self. The experience of writing a letter to yourself is something everyone should do. The young women who participated in this activity shared their fears, their doubts, and their hopes and dreams in their letters. Those who read them aloud found that giving voice to what they had written gave them power. There were a lot of tears that day; the activity had a cleansing impact on all who were present.
I was able to write a letter as well. My letter was to my past self. Tonight, on the eve of the biggest event for the women's leadership group I advise, I found my letter. It is no coincidence that Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram will be at this event tomorrow; I was so touched by them that I talked with our Coordinator of Multicultural Affairs, who happens to know Dr. Seals Nevergold, and she arranged for them to speak during our Women's Expo. Even as I reread my letter, I'm reliving the experience of writing that letter last year. My letter reads as follows:
"Dear Trish,
If you only knew what the future would hold, you would have enjoyed your childhood so much more. You would have stopped worrying, stopped crying, stopped beating yourself up. You would have noticed that you were beautiful. You would have realized that you really were loved. You would have taken pleasure in the care you received. You would have appreciated those who appreciated you. You would have kept those close friends closer. You would not have let some of them go. You would have told your 'friends', those who smiled in your face but talked behind your back, that their actions only served to push you forward into a brighter future, filled with hope and promise. You would have told yourself that you love yourself. And you would have let yourself be loved more.
If you only knew what the future would hold, you could have relaxed, and allowed God to bless you with all that He desired for you.
Remember how carefree these days really are. Remember how close your family is to you. Remember all those times your father walked you to and from school, and even during high school, he walked you to the bus stop. That was love. Remember your mother playing with your hair. That was love. Remember your sisters dressing you, brushing your hair, and buying you cute clothes. That was love. Remember your brothers teaching you how to dance the hustle, play football, and buying you Zingers and Scooter Pies. That was love.
Remember, you were loved. That was all you needed. That is all you'll ever need.
Love, Trish"
I wrote that letter to my past, younger self, but even as I read it tonight, it is a letter to myself last year, last month, and last week. And I hope that it will serve to remind all of the young women in my life that you are loved. I love you, I thank God for giving me all of you as a gift and a blessing. I thank you for loving me. You all remind me everyday that God exists, because God is love.
I was so touched by Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram that I decided to do an activity with my women's leadership group shortly after the conference. I read some of the letters in the book and asked the women what they heard, saw, and felt as they listened to some of the women's experiences. Then I asked them to write a letter to themselves - either their past self or their future self. The experience of writing a letter to yourself is something everyone should do. The young women who participated in this activity shared their fears, their doubts, and their hopes and dreams in their letters. Those who read them aloud found that giving voice to what they had written gave them power. There were a lot of tears that day; the activity had a cleansing impact on all who were present.
I was able to write a letter as well. My letter was to my past self. Tonight, on the eve of the biggest event for the women's leadership group I advise, I found my letter. It is no coincidence that Drs. Seals Nevergold and Brooks-Bertram will be at this event tomorrow; I was so touched by them that I talked with our Coordinator of Multicultural Affairs, who happens to know Dr. Seals Nevergold, and she arranged for them to speak during our Women's Expo. Even as I reread my letter, I'm reliving the experience of writing that letter last year. My letter reads as follows:
"Dear Trish,
If you only knew what the future would hold, you would have enjoyed your childhood so much more. You would have stopped worrying, stopped crying, stopped beating yourself up. You would have noticed that you were beautiful. You would have realized that you really were loved. You would have taken pleasure in the care you received. You would have appreciated those who appreciated you. You would have kept those close friends closer. You would not have let some of them go. You would have told your 'friends', those who smiled in your face but talked behind your back, that their actions only served to push you forward into a brighter future, filled with hope and promise. You would have told yourself that you love yourself. And you would have let yourself be loved more.
If you only knew what the future would hold, you could have relaxed, and allowed God to bless you with all that He desired for you.
Remember how carefree these days really are. Remember how close your family is to you. Remember all those times your father walked you to and from school, and even during high school, he walked you to the bus stop. That was love. Remember your mother playing with your hair. That was love. Remember your sisters dressing you, brushing your hair, and buying you cute clothes. That was love. Remember your brothers teaching you how to dance the hustle, play football, and buying you Zingers and Scooter Pies. That was love.
Remember, you were loved. That was all you needed. That is all you'll ever need.
Love, Trish"
I wrote that letter to my past, younger self, but even as I read it tonight, it is a letter to myself last year, last month, and last week. And I hope that it will serve to remind all of the young women in my life that you are loved. I love you, I thank God for giving me all of you as a gift and a blessing. I thank you for loving me. You all remind me everyday that God exists, because God is love.
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