Closed Doors

Photo courtesy of the Global Theater Project

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."

- Alexander Graham Bell

Today, I got a door slammed in my face.  Not literally, but it felt that way.  And yet, as that door closed before me, I felt a mixture of emotions.  Amidst the sadness, betrayal, and abandonment, I felt something else.  I felt freedom.

I often try not to be too open about things that happen at work, mainly because I am grateful to have a job.  While no one's job is perfect, I have a pretty good thing going on.  I have tenure, so I don't have to worry about losing my job - ever.  I also see about twelve students a day, so I'm definitely busy.  I serve on committees and I plan campus-wide events, and I even got a call directly from the President of the college today.  So I really don't have much to complain about. 

Except that I am not being "fed" at work.  I have been doing the same job for the past six years, and while I have looked for opportunities to grow within my job, there's not much professional growth that can happen within my institution.  In other words, I'm pretty stuck in the position I'm in now.  Again, I would not normally say these things in a public forum, except for when I believe there's a lesson to be learned from it.  It's in my nature to help others, and if I have to be vulnerable to do so, I will take that risk.

In addition to my actual job, I am the program coordinator and advisor for a women's leadership development program.  This is not just a series of workshops, or a "girl's group".  This is a well-thought out program; a full-year leadership institute that aligns with nationally recognized standards and that utilizes student development and counseling theory.  There is a mission, vision, goals and a strategic model for running this program.  It is something that someone could possibly do as a full-time job, and for the past six years, I have been the one consistent presence in this program, although I have had several interns and students who have poured their time and energy into making this work.  I know that this program works, because I just completed a qualitative study that assesses the program's impact on young women's self-efficacy.  I know that it is one of the safe spaces on our campus, especially for young women of color.  I know that it provides opportunities for growth and development in the short span of one year for many young women on campus.  And I know many young women who can truly say that it has been a transforming experience in their college career.

Over the past couple of years, I've noticed that running the program seems to have created a burden on the team that helps me run it.  That wasn't always the case.  Maybe I was spoiled by previous teams with whom I'd developed a great personal and professional relationship, but the team dynamic was what refreshed and energized me for the first three years.  They made the extra evenings and weekends worth it.  More recently, I've noticed that the "spirit" of the organization is missing.  It has been missing for the past two years.  And while there are many very good moments, I don't know that the spirit of the organization will ever return.  Somehow along the way, it lost its heart, its energy, its passion.  And I have lost mine along the way as well.

I started to notice some things recently about myself as a professional.  Others at my job are getting opportunities to learn new things that I've asked to learn but didn't get the opportunity to because I'm "too busy" with the women's program.  And while some of the young women who complete the program go on to utilize the leadership skills they've developed to obtain internships and jobs and amazing experiences, I am like a movie still, playing on the same loop over and over again.  

I have contemplated moving on from this program for the past two years.  It has been difficult because, in many ways, this program helped me find my purpose in life.  However, as I look at the unhappy, tired, and even apathetic faces of the women who are supposed to be the most passionate and energetic about it - the team leaders - I realize that this door was closed awhile ago, but we were staring at it, hoping that it would open and provide us with something new.  

Today, the door was slammed in my face when I learned that no one who has been on the team wants to continue this journey with me.  And now I have a decision to make. Do I continue to look at this door that has slammed shut in my face?  Or do I move on?  

One of the things I have learned in the past year is that I need to care for myself.  All of the times I wanted to quit since the inception of this program, I was asked by someone not to quit.  I was asked to continue for the benefit of others.  But today, I realized that I can't ask anyone to do the same.  And so that door that has closed has given me a new, open door.  The door to MY life.  The door to what benefits ME.  

It's time for me to stop looking at that closed door.  It's time to look at the doors to my new life that are opening.

I am grateful to all of the young women who have given their time and energy to helping me develop young women leaders.  You have no idea how much you have taught me.  

"I Just Want You to Be Happy" and Other Things People Should Stop Saying

Feeling Faces Chart

The other day I was having a conversation with a good male friend who asked if I'd tried online dating yet.  Backstory: I had previously mentioned I might try it this year, but when that little tax cut came to an end and I saw a decrease in my paycheck, I decided that online dating sites was not in my budget.  Therefore, at this point I am not currently putting in any effort into dating or romance.  On top of that, my responsibilities at work are in the process of changing and we are understaffed, which means I'm doing the equivalent of about two and half people's workload.  Oh, and on top of that, I am taking a class that requires research, interviewing, transcription, and many hours of writing. And I'm taking care of myself - mind, body and spirit.  So...I'm kind of busy.

I get along with a lot of people.  I wouldn't say that I have a lot of close friends, but I have a lot of friends.  Many of my friends are men, and I'm the kind of person who stays friends with the people I've dated in the past, so there's that element that sometimes gets into my relationship dynamics.  I am also friends with men who are married.  Some of those men are unhappy and are pretty vocal to me about their unhappy marriages.  (Now, I know what you're thinking.  And no, you're wrong.  The minute a man talks to me about his unhappy marriage, I ask him what his responsibility is in making the marriage work. I'm not stupid.)

Let me tell you a little about me.  I'm spiritual.  I have two degrees and working on a third.  I'm curvy and working on getting rid of the chunky parts.  I'm one of the healthiest people in my family's history.  I speak two languages and understand a couple more.  I'm pretty smart.  I can cook (I mean, I can throw down in the kitchen, pretty much).  I write.  I can hold a note.  I can shake what my momma gave me.  I laugh a lot and I have a lot of laughs.  I smile practically all day, every day.  I'm a human being, I make mistakes and I own up to them.  So...what's missing?

My male friends acknowledge these things about me, and sometimes, dare I say it?  The married ones wish their wives had some of my qualities.  And they wonder, out loud, why I am single.  This is usually how the conversation goes:

Guy: Why are you single?
Me: I don't know.  I haven't met anyone who wants to commit.
Guy: Well, have you tried...

1. Online dating?
2. Taking up a hobby?
3. Going out to bars?
4. Church?
5. Dating me? (Yep, some of the married ones have tried this.  I don't talk to them much anymore.)

Me:

1. Yes (kind of).
2. Ain't nobody got time for that!
3. No, unless I want to get shot.
4. Haha that's one of the worst places.
5. Sure, I'll go out with you as long as your wife comes along.

Guy: But I just want you to be happy.

PAUSE. Take a look at the third paragraph.  The one about me.  Again, I don't claim to be perfect.  However, I do have some great qualities and I'm usually smiling and laughing.  That's usually a sign that a person is happy.  The statement "I just want you to be happy", in my case, implies two things:

1. A woman can't be happy without a man.
2. I'm not happy.

And here's where the fallacy about happiness gets axed: Happiness is an emotion, like any other.  Happy, sad, confused, tired, excited, etc. are temporary emotions that NO ONE experiences all the time (unless you suffer from clinical depression, and even then, those emotions are more complex than sadness).  If we were happy all the time, we would take that emotion for granted.  So, am I happy all the time?  No.  But do I lack happiness because I don't have a man in my life on a consistent basis?  Not at all.  Would I be happier with a man in my life?  Maybe some days, but I'm pretty sure that for at least one week out of the month I would feel homicidal.  

I'm grateful for the people I have in my life.  I'm grateful that when I eat what I cook, sometimes I say I want to marry myself.  I'm grateful for my curves, my pretty hair, my expressive eyes, and basically my overall awesomeness.  I'm grateful for my heart, which fights to stay open because it understands that love comes with the risk of pain but it also comes with the possibility of overwhelming love. So I'm grateful.  

Since when is a grateful person not happy?

I promise you, my friends who just want me to be happy, that I am happy, most of the time.  And when my life partner decides to walk the rest of this journey with me, he's not going to be the period - the validation that I have done all I could to be perfect enough to deserve a good man.  No, he's going to be a human being, just like me, with great qualities and a beautiful heart.  And we will walk this journey together - happy, sad, excited, confused, hurt, angry, bitter, and happy again...but together.

Happy New You!

From My Own Kitchen Table

Let me tell you what I did not do last year.

• I did not finish writing my book.
• I did not self-publish the book that I did not finish writing.
• I did not lose all of the weight I wanted to lose by summer.
• I did not get accepted into another doctoral program that I applied to.
• I did not change jobs.
• I did not have different (or growing) responsibilities at my job.
• I did not change geographical locations.
• I did not find the love of my life.
• I did not start a family.

These are some goals I had set for myself last year.  As the year went on, disappointment became a part of life.  I was most disappointed in my lack of progress regarding the book I am in the process of writing.  I think I've written about two full chapters as well as an intro (but don't quote me on that).  So I felt like a loser.  Most of us do when we don't meet our goals, and we do like to make lofty goals every new year, so I would say that we usually put ourselves in a position to feel like losers.

Let me tell you what I did last year.

• I took a semester off from my doctoral program.
• I started seeing a counselor.
• I joined a weight-loss program.
• I started working out and, most consistently, practicing yoga. (Nothing fancy, just some dvds.)
• I tried some new things, like breathing. (Really!)
• I went on a few vacations to places that calm me and give me joy.
• I started eating food for health benefits as well as for enjoyment. 

Honestly, I am really happy about what I did accomplish.  The difference between the goals I set for myself (which I did not achieve) and what I accomplished is that the goals were outward achievements - things I could be applauded and congratulated for - while my accomplishments were more personal. Yes, people have noticed some weight loss. Yes, people have remarked that I seem a lot less stressed now.  However, I personally experienced the benefits of the practices I incorporated into my life moment by moment, which helped me to appreciate the small changes that were transforming me into a new me.  

So what have I learned about making goals for the new year?

1. You really don't have to.  If you don't, you're not a loser. If you do and don't achieve them, you're also not a loser, but you'll be more likely to think you are.

2. If you are going to set goals, they can be as small as, "I am going to incorporate a fruit and/or vegetable into every meal", and those goals can be set, and met, daily.

3. Goals should be super-specific.  "I am going to be healthy" is not a goal.  "I am going to tell three people I love them today" is.  At the end of the day you should be able to specifically assess whether or not you met your goal.

4. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect and do amazing things.  Honestly, amazing people just are.  Just BE. 

5. Congratulate yourself for making it through what you have been through.  And find reasons to be happy with who you are, and who you are becoming.

Happy New You!

Trish

Special Guest Blogger: Palabra Smith

Here's a poem written by a friend of mine, who asked me to post it on my blog.  Since it's a celebration of women, I totally said yes!  Enjoy!

CLICK, CLACK, SWAY, SWING

It’s an undeniable rhythm. An enticing chorus of sounds and motion, both unique distinct.

 It turns heads and stops traffic. Equal parts natural beauty and black magic.

Some call it a gait, some call it a strut or the harmonious mechanics of female motion.

Is it the natural grace of her feminine form?

A poetic fluid dance that she subconsciously performs.

Is it a secret of her ancestors? A silver string unbroken.

Mama and Auntie taught her in a whispered language unspoken.

Every man knows the sound. Young and old respond the same.

Allow me to give this anonymous female phenomenon an appropriate name.

It’s called the Click, Clack, Sway, Swing.

As she walks you hear her heels striking the pavement, leaving her mark on the world and awakening the desires and ambitions of those in her wake. Click, Clack!

Each step she takes is engineered and measured by the dynamic and graceful locomotion of her shapely calves, her supple thighs and her curvaceous hips. Sway!

From the “melancholy stroll” to the “can’t be late march”. The speed and purposefulness is controlled by her arm. A pendulum of feminine power and simple elegance. Swing!

Each woman has her own signature motion. Each man loves one more than the other. Undeniable, unmistakable poetry in motion. Click, clack, sway, swing.

  

By: Palabra Smith

Mirrors

For most people, vacations are a time to get away and have fun, and even get their "groove back".  For me, vacations have a different purpose.  I live a very busy life working, going to school, and coordinating a women's leadership program.  Most of the hours of my day are dedicated to something or someone else, and the little bit of time I have for myself is usually spent exercising, cooking, eating, studying, and sleeping. There is little left for the things I LOVE to do, such as writing, singing, reading for fun, and introspection.  When I go on vacation, it is usually so that I can get away from the demands of life much like it is for everyone else, but it is also so that I can retreat and have some peace and quiet to reflect on who I am, where I am, who I am becoming, and what lessons life wants to teach me.

Most times, I take these vacations alone.  Sometimes, I go with a friend.  The friend I most often go with  is someone who has been in my life most consistently in the past few years, but I've known him since I was ten years old.  Although our reunion almost four years ago originally occurred with the idea of dating and developing a relationship, this did not work out.  Blog post upon blog post refers to the story of our relationship, which ends on one level and begins again on another.  To put it bluntly, we can't seem to let each other go for good.  While the feelings and interactions aren't always the greatest, I've come to understand that there is something we need to learn from one another, and although I sometimes feel weak and, frankly, stupid for continuing this undefined relationship, I trust that I always know when something must end and when God closes a door.  

Our last trip was just a few weeks ago.  It was a few days after my 41st birthday and I honestly had planned to go away alone to spend time reflecting on another year of life, but in the planning stage of this trip, my friend offered to go with me.  I couldn't understand why he wanted to travel with me, since the last time we traveled together I was extremely hateful towards him (see my blog post about that here).  His response was that I had "vented" all of my feelings already, so he figured I would be fine.  This was kind of true, actually.  So we went to Orlando for a few days and I was prepared to be as nice as possible, especially because all of my "venting" the last time I saw him wore me out.  

While my expectation was that things would be calm because I was calm, that wasn't necessarily the case.  He has a really subdued demeanor so he never really gets out of control, but he's very sarcastic and blunt.  In the first few hours of our trip he asked me a couple of sarcastic questions regarding other men, and decided that he was going to point out something he didn't like about me.  I ignored these things because I was trying to be peaceable and decided these statements were not worth pursuing.  But the next day, when I asked a question as a joke, he sharply told to me to stop asking rhetorical questions and that he really doesn't like when I do that.  He was more than irritated.  I told him that he should really let it go because it's not that important, and that I wasn't going to spend my time on vacation arguing about something so trivial.  But in the back of my mind I understood that his irritation wasn't really about my habit of asking rhetorical, sarcastic questions to be funny.  It was "his turn" to be mean to me.  

Later that night, we were at dinner and somehow the conversation turned to us spending time together.  I asked him, "If you really don't like me as a person, why are you here with me?"  He responded that he knows who I really am and he loves who I really am, but that I am always in protection mode because of my past experiences and having been taken advantage of by other men.  He urged me to be myself and stop trying to protect myself all the time, because when I'm protecting myself, I am keeping others at arm's length. 

I took in this feedback with complete understanding about what he was experiencing with me.  However, because part of this conversation referred to my ugly actions during our last trip (which he claimed to have forgiven me for), I began to internalize our entire interaction that day as hurtful. We argued in the car on the way home, and later that night I said, "Let's agree that the next few days we will try to be ourselves and let go of the things we don't like about each other, because these next few days will be the last few days we'll ever spend together."  (Italics emphasize where I spoke out of hurt.) 

The next day, we went to the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival and had a really nice time.  The environment was pretty, he had never been there before, and experiencing it with him helped me see things with new eyes.  We had tons of food and drinks, took pictures, sat and enjoyed each other's company in a way we hadn't in a very long time.  In other words, we kept our agreement.  

The next day was our last full day together, and it was kind of somber.  It was low-key, and while we were together, we each did our own thing - he was working on his computer and I was reading by the pool for class.  We are both writers, and I was reading one of his screenplays about his relationship with his mother.  What I read helped me to understand him a lot better, and why our relationship was so difficult.  He is always in protection mode because of his past experiences.  He does not show who he really is, and he keeps others, including me, at arm's length.  The more I point out to him the things I don't like about him, the more he shuts me out.  The more he points things out to me what he doesn't like about me, the more I push him away (refer to the italicized statement above).  

I share all this at the risk of sharing too much information about myself and this person to illustrate that our relationships - especially the ones we don't necessarily ask for - provide mirrors for self-reflection.  After the trip, I sent him a text with a nugget of wisdom I heard from Iyanla Vanzant, a spiritual guide who has a show on the OWN channel.  She said, "The deeper you fall in love, the more unloving you will behave."  His response?  "Yeah that sounds like you."  My response?  "You too! We are mirrors for each other."

One of the most influential people in my life, a professor in my counselor education program, once told me that we are mirrors for each other.  That statement opened my eyes and helped me understand my relationships.  We are drawn to those who are like us at the soul level, whether we like it or not.  And we are drawn to each other because we need that mirror to show us what we need to change about ourselves.  

It is the brave one who can look in the mirror and be completely honest about what needs to change.  It is the courageous one who will not behave unlovingly towards the one who serves as a mirror.  When we are unloving towards each other, we are unloving towards ourselves.  Look at the person who serves as a mirror in your life and say, "Thank you.  I love you for showing me, me."  And do the work so that the next time you look in the mirror, you absolutely love what you see.  

What IS Love, Really?

Courtesy of ghank.com

Love.  We all talk about it, think about it, sing about it, write about it, dream about it.  It is something that we all believe we have experienced.  I love my mother, I love children, I love my job, I love shoes, I love pizza.  We use the term love to express admiration, care, respect, connection; any emotion that is positive, really.  But do we really know what love is?

I had been pondering this question for awhile because of a recent experience.  It actually goes back months, maybe even years.  For many years I had shut down emotionally because of several losses I'd experienced, and it got to the point where I felt nothing.  Then someone I had known for almost my whole life came back into the picture.  As soon as I would use my best "put your guard up" techniques, he went to work dismantling them.  I was in shock and taken aback because he didn't take what I said at face value and walk away, like many had done before, and like I was secretly hoping he would do so that I could blame him for not wanting to develop a relationship with me (like I had done many times before).  I'm a talker, and sometimes I would just have to be quiet and process what was happening.  This person was not accepting my emotional unavailability.  He was forcing me to be uncomfortable with my comfort zone.

Throughout the years, we went through good times and bad times.  In the good times, I felt very much at home and safe.  In the bad times, I felt angry, taken for granted, and taken advantage of.  If I shared details, you would probably agree that many times those negative feelings were justified.  However, that doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I was actually feeling something.  When I woke up one morning after months of stomach aches that I attributed to anxiety and fear and realized, "I love him", the fear and the anxious stomach aches went away and I felt peace.  It was never easy with him, but I was actually feeling, and for some reason, that gave me great joy.

The last time I saw him, I had pretty much decided that there was no future for us.  I spent a lot of time lashing out at him, telling him that he was incapable of loving me, and eventually the words (that I tried to hold back even as they were tumbling out) "I hate you" came out of my mouth.  I'm not gonna lie, I'd had a couple of drinks and hadn't eaten, but that still doesn't justify those words.  After I realized that my words helped end my marriage many years ago and were now going to end this relationship, I started to cry as if someone died.  I went to the person who I'd just said "I hate you" to, and he held me while I cried uncontrollably.  He just held me and let me cry for what seemed like the longest time.  Then I said to him, "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved".  It was then we both agreed that there is a very thin line between love and hate, and within that line dwell our deepest fears about being abandoned and rejected.

I left that particular exchange wondering how powerful love is; so powerful that it could turn into hate.  Then I wondered about how we use the word love and make it so trivial.  We think we know what love is.  People say that love is never hard, but I knew my experience had been difficult and challenging.  I knew that anyone who could hold me after I had told them "I hate you" was clearly more capable of loving me at that moment than I could ever be.  I came home and thought about what the Bible says about love:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 ("The Message" version)

After all these years of not allowing myself to feel, I learned what love really is from being in this very hard, very emotionally challenging relationship.  I wanted what I thought I deserved (because of my "swelled head").  I kept score and very eloquently relayed all the details of his wrongs.  I forced my way of doing things on him, and when he wouldn't accept them, threatened him many times with "losing me".  And God knows I flew off the handle.

So how can I say that I learned what love really is?  Because I did all of the things love is NOT, and he accepted me anyway.

To be continued...

Working Towards Your Bucket List

 

Edgartown Lighthouse, Edgartown MA

In the movie "The Bucket List" (2007), two terminally ill men (played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson) decided to make a list of things they'd always wanted to do before they "kick the bucket".  "The Bucket List" chronicled these two men's adventures as they crossed off the various items on their bucket lists, and how those adventures helped the two men value what was truly important in their lives.  Since then, I've heard people talk about their bucket lists.  It seems as if the bucket list became something everyone should have.  I'm familiar with goal setting and the importance of achieving your greatest desires, but from the movie as well as others' lists, I got the sense that you either have to have a lot of money or be willing to give something up (e.g.: family, career, etc.) in order to fulfill your most personal desires.

During one of our meetings, our women's group decided to compose our own bucket lists.  As I read through my list, I thought about the possibilities of attaining my desires.  I thought about whether I could possibly live in St. Maarten and have a house with a wraparound porch and live next door to my best friend (who, as far as I know, has no desire to live in St. Maarten) and be a mother and travel to all of the various countries I want to travel to and write books that make people cry, laugh, think, and grow and start a non-profit, among other things.  As it hangs on my fridge, I sometimes wonder if my bucket list is supposed to be realistic, or if the act of creating a bucket list is supposed to teach you something about what you really want in life.  I wonder if I'll be disappointed if some of those things don't get crossed off.

My Vision Board

My bucket list is similar to my vision board - it's basically all of those things I wish to have in my life, without a time assigned to them or a plan for how to attain them.  However, one of the things I've learned about making a vision board, or a bucket list, is that the first step to accomplishing a goal or fulfilling a desire is to visualize it - speak it into existence, put the intention out into the universe - however you want to view it.  Just view it!

One of the items on my bucket list is to stay in Martha's Vineyard for two weeks a year to write books.  Last year was my first visit to Martha's Vineyard.  It was a last minute invitation from a friend who was there for a film festival, and I was there only one full day.  Needless to say, my main goals were to go to the beach, visit a lighthouse, and eat a lobster roll, and none of those things happened.  However, I did try fried chicken and waffles for the first time, and I fell in love.

The entire month of July, I participate in an intensive summer program to transition incoming college freshmen to our opportunity program and the College.  I have to plan my vacations around this program.  This year, I planned a week in Orlando to visit Disney World and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Upon returning from that vacation, our planning for the program began in earnest, and the relaxation I felt immediately dissipated.  I've learned that I need to have a relaxing vacation after the program as well.  This year, I remembered my short time in Martha's Vineyard, thought about my bucket list, and decided to go ahead and book a four-day stay in a bed and breakfast on the Island.  This time, I would have the time to do those things I'd wanted to do last year, but simply did not have time for.  In addition, I packed my computer so that I could write if I felt inclined to do so, and if I had time.  

I got in my car, drove to Massachusetts, and took the ferry to the island.  I had my lobster roll.  I went to the beach.  I visited a lighthouse.  And although I did not stay for two weeks, nor write a book in the four days I was there, I started working towards those things on my bucket list.  I was able to attend the Martha's Vineyard African-American Film Festival, where I met many people who are creating and producing stories about the African diaspora.  At the bed and breakfast, I met this funny and adventurous woman who came to the Vineyard from Abu Dhabi for the festival.  She told me stories while we had our coffee and breakfast, and we made each other laugh.  I was able to spend time with my friend, who is doing something he'd dreamed of for many years, and see him in his element, where he is most happy.  I even met one of the stars of a TV series I'd watched for years, and rode the ferry back to Massachusetts with him, talking and joking and laughing.  In that short four-day stay, I felt compelled to write this blog post less than 24 hours after leaving the Island, and I was invigorated and inspired to go back to writing my book.  It was a challenging but relaxing trip, one that helped me grow in many ways and expand my perspective. 

I did not spend two weeks at Martha's Vineyard, but the way I see it, I spent four times the amount of time I spent on the Island last year.  That brings me almost half way to my goal of spending two weeks there.  It gives me a goal to work towards, and I am already making connections and planning how I will achieve that goal in the near future.

Edgartown Lighthouse in Martha's Vineyard helps to illustrate my point.  I could see the lighthouse from far away, but it took me some time to get right up to it.  However, the entire way to it, I was captivated by the beauty of the lighthouse from far away, as well as the foliage around it.  The blue sky, the boats, and the sun glinting off of the water added to the beauty of the actual lighthouse.  Truthfully, it was the big picture that made this lighthouse a sight to see, not the lighthouse in and of itself. 

We all have our goals, our desires, and our dreams.  Whether we write them down, or cut pictures out of a magazine,  it is important to visualize what we want, but not to feel as if we didn't do what we set out to do if it's not exactly what is written on our bucket list verbatim.  I realized that working towards my bucket list is just as rewarding.  As the saying goes, "Focus on the journey, not the destination.  Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it". (Greg Anderson)