Resolution

This is the last day of 2010, and as is the case with most people, I have tried to do some reflecting on the past year.  The year began with family issues and relationship drama, which threw off my whole "2010 is going to be MY year!" mantra that I pretty much repeat every year.  (I'm sure no one can relate.)  Regardless, because one of the greatest life lessons I have learned is resilience, I didn't allow the painful beginning of 2010 to affect my attitude about how the rest of the year would go.  Besides, I started off 2009 with a horrible stomach virus, and it turned out to be a great year - there was (obviously) a spiritual lesson in that virus - this too shall pass!

During this time of the year, we all strive to reflect on our lives and make resolutions about what we are going to do and not do.  Many times, these "resolutions" are the same every year - lose weight, exercise more, stop watching any Kardashian reality show (oh wait, that's personal) - and as we look over our success in living out those resolutions, we find ourselves disappointed in our inability to "get it together".  And truthfully, with resolutions, isn't that really what we're trying to do - "get it together" so that "finally" we can be "happy"?

If you look at the definition and synonyms of resolution, you'll find that we use the word incorrectly.  We act as if a resolution is an action, when it is an attitude or a thought pattern. One of the definitions of resolution is, "the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose." How will we be able to change our life circumstances, or "get it together" in order to be "happy", if we have not determined our purpose?

Purpose is defined as "the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc."  Our purpose, our reason for living, is what we truly seek.  Our first resolution (or mental attitude) should be to STOP the meaningless pursuit of "getting it together" in order to "finally" be "happy".  Once we have determined our purpose, the reason for our existence, and begin to live that daily, joy will come.  Happiness comes with the understanding that sometimes it goes away, because happiness is a temporary emotional state that, if we stay in it too long, can distract us from our purpose.  If we focus on pursuing happiness, it will be elusive, because we were created to discover and pursue our purpose.  If we focus on pursuing our purpose, we'll have joy, which is not a temporary emotional state, but more of an inner knowing that we are living the life our Creator intended for us to live.

With that said, as I continue to pursue my purpose, I take another look at what the word "resolution" means.  One of the definitions is "a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc."  In order to be open to the purpose I was created for, I must bring resolution to anything that might remain unresolved in my life.  Any unresolved issues or relationships bring anxiety and confusion, two emotional states that truly distract us from our purpose.  As I look at the past year, I can honestly say that I allowed unresolved issues in my life to slow me down.  Unresolved relationships took an emotional toll on me.  Although I truly experienced many moments of happiness and joy this year, these unresolved issues and relationships sometimes (alright, many times) overshadowed those moments. 


I am determined not to allow this to continue to happen.  What does this mean?  Based on the lessons I've learned in 2010, I've made some promises to myself that will lead me closer to my purpose in 2011:

• I will not want more for others than they want for themselves.
• I will leave unresolved relationships & situations in 2010.
• I will continue to love others, but will be more discriminating about who I give my heart to.
• I will trust that God has better for me than what I've been trying to hold on to.

With the understanding that I am just a mere human being, prone to mistakes and full of flaws, I walk into 2011 determined to be more of who I was created to be.  

The One Thing I Don't Have (And Why I Won't Compromise To Get It)

"Honestly, there's a problem in general with men. They project whatever their issues are onto us.  So if they're insecure because they're not where they're supposed to be, they say we're insecure.  But their behavior causes us to be insecure.  And it's a cycle I don't want to be part of.  I don't want a perfect man, I want a man who is willing to grow."

I was chatting online with a close friend earlier this evening, and I wrote the above statement. It was the conclusion of a conversation that began with each of us talking about some of the struggles in our most recent relationships. Granted, I'm having a bit of a bad day today.  I just got back from a nice holiday with my family to my lonely, not-yet-settled-in apartment, I'm a bit tired from the long drive, and I had a dream this morning about the last person I dated, which caused me to wake up somewhat disturbed.  It made me think about what I don't have, when most times I try to focus on what I do have. I come from a good family, I have a strong faith in God, a job that I love, I'm educated, I have some talents and abilities that not everyone has, I look younger than my age, and I have really pretty hair.  I get told that I am loved more times than I can count in the span of one week.  I'm confident without being conceited, I definitely know what my areas of growth are, and I work on myself.  Constantly. There's a lot that I have, and I recognize that I am blessed.

There's something I do not have, that I want more than anything.  A family of my own.

I have always wanted to be a mother.  And I am traditional in that desire.  I want my own child.  I want a child that grows within me.  I'm not against adoption, but I want to live motherhood.  I want to experience the feeling of being pregnant, and I want to use it as an excuse to eat bacon and deep-fried pickles with abandon.  I want my child to have a father, to know his or her father, to live with his or her father.  I want the father to get up and cook my bacon and get me an order of deep-fried pickles.  Even at 3am.  Yes, I want the traditional husband and children.

I'm not apologizing for that, and I'm not desperate because I want that.  There's nothing wrong with me for wanting to have a traditional family.  But there is one thing I will not do.   I will not compromise myself for what I want.

This last guy I dated - let's just say that he taught me some things. Long story (that should never have lasted this long) short, he said he needed to focus on his career and couldn't focus on a relationship (sound familiar?).  I know enough to know that the career that he has chosen to pursue requires about 99.9% of his attention in order for him to succeed at it.  While I didn't necessarily disagree with his focus (in fact I encouraged it), I did disagree with the fact that his idea of not focusing on "a relationship" meant that he wanted to spread himself among many "relationships".  He and I had several conversations regarding our future.  An issue that arose a few times was that he said I didn't ever think he was "good enough" for me.  I've known him practically all my life, so when he said that, I knew he really felt that way.  And when I took the time to think about it, he was right.  I didn't think he was good enough for me.  Never did.

Despite that, I fell in love with him.  The main reason I fell for him was that he genuinely knew me - he knew my good qualities and loved them, but he also knew my crummy qualities, and pointed them out to me in a way that motivated me to grow.  I fought through the feeling that he wasn't good enough.  However, he didn't help.  He did some things which demonstrated that, because of his belief that I didn't think he was good enough, he wasn't going to try.  He wasn't going to work on the relationship.  In the end, I knew that he loved me.  He always did, ever since we were kids.  But my thoughts about him, as well as his thoughts about my thoughts about him, sabotaged any chance at a future that we could ever have.

I've learned that many men feel the need to be settled in their purpose - their careers, their spiritual beliefs, their desires, their personal growth - before settling down to create a family.  If they experience instability or insecurity in any of these areas, they find it difficult to maintain an intimate relationship with a woman. Perhaps this is because many women expect men to provide for and protect them.  (Don't shoot me, I'm just saying what a lot of people think but won't say in this era of political correctness.)  I've observed that both men and women expect perfection from each other.  If you don't believe me, check out some of those YouTube videos on "Black Marriage Negotiations".  I'm not perfect, but I work hard at everything I do.  I recognize my flaws, and when I have trouble doing so, I'll listen to feedback from those I love and trust to tell me the truth about me.  I TRY.

Personally, I don't expect a man to be perfect.  I don't expect him to make a certain amount of money, though he should work hard.  I don't expect him to have a six-pack, because I certainly don't.  I don't expect him to quote the Bible verbatim, though he should have a personal relationship with God.  What I will not compromise is this:  If I am willing to grow and change and become a better version of myself, he should be willing to grow and change and become a better version of himself.  HE SHOULD TRY.  And, until I meet the man who is willing to try, I would rather live without the one thing that I don't have, that I want more than anything in the world. 

Moving

Last weekend, I moved from an apartment complex in the suburbs of upstate New York, where I'd lived for the past six years, to an apartment in an area of the city that's reminiscent of some areas of New York City, my hometown.  Anyone who's originally from NYC and moves away carries a longing for sidewalks, Starbucks, and diversity.  So, while many single women my age are making the move to a house in the 'burbs, I decided to move into a more populated, diverse, and lively area, with a Starbucks that I can see from the front porch of my new place.

For some people, moving can be an exciting experience, because change usually means growth.  Moving from an apartment to a house would make one feel like singing the theme song from The Jeffersons; you know, "We're moving on up, to the east side" and all that good stuff.  I didn't move from an apartment to a house, but I did move eastward.  For some people, moving might cause anxiety, because they're not ready to do the work that comes along with moving: purging, packing, and cleaning.  For me, the opportunity to purge, reorganize, and clean were my main reasons for moving.  After six years of living in the same environment, surrounded by the same belongings, memories, and junk, I decided I was ready to do the work, and began the process of taking inventory of my life in a literal and figurative sense.  In going through old things, I found letters and cards from old friends, former students, family members, boyfriends, and my ex-husband.  I read through a few of them, and noticed patterns in my relationships: my romantic relationships were short-lived, but intense and full of emotions.  My friendships were fiercely loyal and affirming. My family has a pattern of saying little over time, but in a crisis, they come through full force, in a way that demonstrates love more than words ever could. Through this process, I learned some things about myself and my relationships, both professional and personal.

Romantic Relationships 
I learned that when I commit to someone in a romantic relationship, the ball is truly in my court.  If I'm open and genuine, I receive more open and genuine interaction in my relationships.  If I'm guarded and emotionally distant, my partner will be too.  The problem arises when I choose to be guarded and emotionally distant while expecting my partner to be open and genuine - something I recently noticed I'd been doing.  Although none of my relationships lasted very long, I learned that the ones in which I was willing to risk my heart were the ones that meant the most to me and the other person involved. 

Friendships 
Growing up, so many "best friends" came in and out of my life.  I noticed that my closest friends were the ones who I could trust with my true feelings; the ones who knew the real me behind the ever-present smile.  They were also the ones who told me the truth about myself, whether I liked it or not.  With my friendships, I learned that honesty and trust lead to loyalty and affirmation.  I also learned not to cling to people, but to allow people to come in and out of my life as they choose, and as God sees fit.  Just because a friendship changes doesn't mean the door is closed. Life takes us all in different directions, and if we accept that we've learned what we needed to learn when we needed to learn it from each other, it's easy to let go of a friend while remaining loyal in your heart to each other.

Family 
My family isn't the most demonstrative when it comes to love and affection, but when adversity hits, we come together and create safety for each other.  When my ex-husband and I separated, I left the safety of my family to go to graduate school six hours away from everyone I knew and loved.  My brother wrote me a letter in those early days.  I'd moved away, started a new job and a graduate program, and was establishing new friendships.  In that letter, he told me that he understood that the change wasn't going to be easy, but that I would learn through this "crisitunity" (a term learned through his Simpsons obsession) that I can do almost anything, to keep my eyes, ears, and mind open, and to always remember where I came from, as in family.  My family may not know the ins and outs of my life, but when my life feels like it's falling apart, I think of them, and I remember that my foundation is strong, firm, and built on a seldom-said, but often-felt word: love. 

Students 
I've worked in education for the last sixteen years.  (Wow, that's a long time.)  In that time, I worked as a Spanish teacher, a high school counselor, a resident director in a college dormitory, and now, as a college counselor and advisor.  I've interacted with hundreds of students, and I've kept in touch with many of them.  With my former and current students I've learned that demonstrating caring, concern for their personal well-being, and tough love matter so much more than what I could ever teach them, and that they really never forget the teacher, counselor, or college personnel that treated them as a unique individual rather than a number or file.  They remind me that what I do on a daily basis matters to someone, which helps me to see each day as an opportunity to live my mission and purpose in life. 

Time Really Does Heal All Wounds 
When you're going through a crisis or heartbreak, the phrase "time heals all wounds" has to be the worst thing to hear.  It means absolutely nothing to the person experiencing pain.  Not only that, it feels like the person stating such a cliché is heartless and lacks empathy.

But it's true.  The best part of this moving process was looking at old cards, poems, and letters from my ex-husband, and realizing that I had absolutely no emotional attachment to any of these things anymore.  I was able to throw away things he had purchased for me, things he'd written to me, things that somehow made it into my half of the stuff we split up between us when we separated, without a single ounce of regret.  Since he and I separated and subsequently divorced, I'd moved five times, and I'd carried these things with me everywhere I went.  This recent move, my sixth, was when I could finally let go of the material things that attached us to each other, and it was so easy to do so.  Time REALLY does heal all wounds, and once those wounds are healed, you can truly move forward with your life.

I Am Not Alone 
When I decided to move, something very unexpected happened.  I told my colleagues and students, and all of a sudden, people were coming forward to offer help.  Boxes were left in my office by the maintenance staff.  One of my coworkers who had moved in the past year loaned me all of her moving supplies and more boxes than I thought I'd ever need (turns out, I needed them all and then some).  Another colleague drove the moving truck I'd rented.  Yet another came and packed up my kitchen and helped me organize myself.  Students took time out of their fall break and Halloween weekends to help me pack and to work really hard at carrying some heavy stuff.  My nephew showed up without my calling or texting him (this is a big deal). They all agreed that I could not have moved by myself.  I did not ask these people for their help; they offered it.  I kept asking myself, over and over again, why I was blessed with so much help.  A part of me felt awkward, and a little uncomfortable, about allowing students and colleagues into my personal space.  When I mentioned that, one of the students said, "You've been in our lives for the past three years.  I think you could let us into yours."

Something as seemingly insignificant as moving has shown me that letting go of the old can make a way for new connections, new discoveries, and new opportunities.  It has shown me not to dwell on what I've lost.  This move has taught me that as I've opened up and chosen to give of my genuine self, many times without thought or awareness, the people in my universe have conspired to give me the goodness within themselves.  The decision to move created a movement in my heart, mind, soul, and spirit.  This movement creates an opportunity for the new to enter my life, and I am excited and hopeful for all it will bring.

I Promise (A Woman Keepin' It Real With A Man)

I promise
That if you give me a choice between a burger and a salad
I'll choose the burger

I promise
That I will react to you looking at another woman
With the stereotypical Latina fire

I promise
That I will complain about something at least once a day
Whether it's my weight, or the newest economic policy

I promise
That I will try not to interrupt you during the game
Unless "the game" turns into 4, or 5, or a whole weekend

I promise
That I will gain weight
But I'll try to keep it in all the right places

I promise
That once a month I will REALLY want to throw shoes at you for no reason
Give me chocolate, let it pass, and DON'T tell me it's "just hormones"

I promise
That when you take the garbage out
I'll say that was the best taking out of the garbage I've ever seen

I promise
That when you wear the same sweatpants so much they can stand on their own
I'll quietly put them in the washer for you, and put them right back where you left them (on the floor)

I promise
That, although leaving the toilet seat up is disgusting and selfish
I'll just put it down when I need to, and leave it down, just to make a point (quietly)

I promise
That I'll make your favorite dish
When you're mad at me (but not if I'm mad at you too; there's drive-thrus for that)

I promise
That when times are hard and I have to pay the bills for a few months
I'll still let you be "the man"

I promise
That when even your mother puts you down
I'll lift you up

I promise
That when even your homies doubt you
I'll have your back

I promise
That when you need to hear the truth
I'll say it

I promise
That, when all else fails
My love for you will never fail
My love for you will never die
My love for you will conquer all

I promise.

Your Mother (In Remembrance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month)

I walk down the street and you whistle.
I do not respond.
You call me a stuck-up bitch.
YOUR MOTHER.

I walk by you in the club.
You want my attention,
So you grab my ass.
YOUR MOTHER.

You call me, and I don't call you back.
You expect me to be interested,
Just because you are.
You lie about me to your friends,
And tell them you had sex with me.
YOUR MOTHER.

We're at work, and you tell me
You like my butt in these jeans.
I call it sexual harassment.
You tell me I'll lose my job if I report you.
YOUR MOTHER.

We're at home, and I tell you
I'm too tired to have sex
So you take it by force,
Because you think I owe it to you
For being the "man" of the house.
YOUR MOTHER.

We disagree,
Because that's what humans do.
You tell me I'm disobeying you.
You push me into a wall.
YOUR MOTHER.

You're angry,
Because I question your behavior with other women
When you're obviously cheating on me.
You punch me in the face.
YOUR MOTHER.

You're furious,
Because I don't think how you want me to think,
Or do what you want me to do,
Or say what you want me to say,
Or wear what you want me to wear,
So you beat me until I lose consciousness.
YOUR MOTHER.

Every time you think of a woman as an object,
You touch her without her consent,
You call her vulgar and inappropriate names,
You cost her her job if she doesn't give in to your advances,
You force her to have sex when she doesn't want to,
You lie to her,
You cheat on her,
You punch, kick or beat her,
Or you kill her.
Think of YOUR MOTHER.
Would you like for her to be treated that way?

The Movement

In May of 2007, I began my current job as a college counselor and academic advisor.  I was excited to work with college students after having spent the previous three years counseling in a high school setting (also known as "changing schedules" and "mounds of paperwork").  Learning a new job, however, is legitimate cause for anxiety.  Although I had previous experience with college students, I was eager to do a great job, as this particular job was exactly what I had been wanting to do for years. 

Very soon after I started, we hired an intern.  My boss gave her the responsibility to start a new program for women, one that would help them learn leadership skills for use in running student organizations or obtaining leadership positions on campus.  For some reason, he asked her to work with me.  Not only did I have no idea where to start, I did not believe I was qualified to help coordinate a women's leadership program.  I did not think of myself as a leader, and I never really liked being around groups of women.  Many women have been socialized to believe that we are catty, dramatic, hypersensitive, and competitive.  I felt the burden of having to change that belief while continually experiencing it firsthand.  I was also learning my way around the college and wanted to be firmly planted in my own job duties before starting a new program.  I was very skeptical about taking part in starting this new program, yet something about working with a women's leadership program intrigued me.  In the past, I'd had the opportunity to co-facilitate a young women's support circle, and spent time mentoring young women individually both at work and outside of work.  I wrote my Master's thesis about middle school girls' perceptions of body image and self-esteem.  I was even the advisor of the high school girls' step team where I'd been a counselor.  Somehow, I always seemed to find myself working with groups of young women, so although I struggled with the idea of starting this women's leadership program, I was unconsciously drawn to it.

The program became known as the Women's Leadership Institute, or WLI.  During the first year, the program was primarily run by our intern, but I attended the sessions, provided planning ideas and support, and assisted in recruiting the first class of participants.  We planned development sessions for the ladies, as well as networking opportunities.  The idea took off, the college gave us support, and we became an entity.  At the end of the intern's contract, it was assumed that I would be taking over the coordination of WLI with a team of women chosen from the Institute's first class.  With the previous year's experience as well as my own interest in providing support for the young women, I instituted a support component to WLI, known as Woman II Woman.  Since WLI development sessions only took place once a month, the Woman II Woman sessions were meant to bring the young women together more often, but in an informal setting. We talked about relationships, stress, our fathers (or lack thereof), we wrote letters to past or future selves (for my letter, click here), and we had fun.  Anything that we felt was relevant to us as women was a topic for conversation.  We truly became a cohesive, supportive sisterhood through Woman II Woman. 

WLI is now in its fourth year, and if I had one word to describe it, both as a program and as an experience, that word would be: TRANSFORMING.  I've heard young women say that WLI has changed their lives; that it saved them; that if it wasn't for WLI they would not have had a positive social network.  I've seen the transformation in so many young women, and I look forward to incorporating the new class of 2011 into our sisterhood.  WLI now has over 60 graduates.  Each of these young women is making a difference, using her skills and the confidence she has developed to change lives. 

We're not perfect; we are in a process.  We are moving towards being women of strength, courage, power, and love.  What began as a doubt and a struggle has truly propelled me towards my dream.  I never knew how passionate I was about empowering young women to love themselves so much that their love would overflow and pour out on all those whom they come into contact with.  I've discovered my love, my passion, and my dream.  Women's Leadership Institute is not just a program; it's a movement.  Move with me.  Dream with me. 

Do It For YOU...It's Okay. Really. No, I Really Mean It.

This morning I woke up with the worst backache.  As a matter of fact, I've had a backache for weeks.  My neck has also been strained for the past week.  Not to mention that I am moving in a little over a month, and I haven't started packing yet.  Oh, and I'm having people over next Friday, so I have to clean.  And I can't very well have boxes all over the place when they come.  Work was terrible this past week.  Actually, it's been pretty bad since the semester started.  I could probably count on one hand the days someone (or I) DIDN'T cry in my office.  In the past month.  We're down two counselors right now, so I am seeing my students as well as other "counselor-less" students.  There have been at least two major crises that I had to spend time getting taken care of.  So yes...I have a lot going on.  And dang.  I'm not even a wife or mother, I wonder what it would be like to add those to the mix.  Although I think I'll be happier, I also know from experience that men and children require tons of time, effort, patience, and sacrifice.  That's time, effort, patience, and sacrifice that I barely give to myself as a single woman now.

I have a list of things to do today.  Shred old bills, clean the living room and bathroom, vacuum, and do laundry.  Yet I didn't wake up until 11 am, after spending the day yesterday exhausted and unable to do much of anything.  So when I woke up (at 11 am), I thought, "Oh my goodness, I just wasted another day, and I have so much to do." But this backache was the only thing I could think of.  Most of the time the ache is in my lower back. This time it extended from my neck throughout my entire back.  It felt as if my back was screaming, "I HURT." 

I thought about driving to the gym, but that would entail putting gas in my car, then driving the 15 minutes it takes to get to the gym, working out for over an hour, then 15 minutes back.  By that time, the day would almost be over for me.  I made the decision to do 20 minutes of yoga.  The best invention ever: Exercise TV on Demand.  I found a yoga workout that includes cardio.  I just finished it.  And guess what?  My back really doesn't hurt anymore, and all of a sudden, my mind was clear to think about what is important.  Not all of that stuff I ranted about in the previous two paragraphs.  It became so clear to me what is essential for my survival, my happiness, and my peace.

Exercise: I hate the idea of preparing to exercise.  I keep thinking about this gym membership I pay for, and it upsets me so much not to be able to go to the gym as often as I want to, but the truth is, I really don't have the time to make the trip every day.  So, on the days I don't go, why can't I just do 20 minutes of something that I find on Exercise TV on Demand?  Because I told myself, "It's not okay to skip the gym.  I pay for it."  So I do nothing?  How does that help?

So, today I'm telling myself, "It's okay to skip the gym, but I have to exercise, because it makes my body feel great, and it clears my mind.  So whatever form that takes, I am exercising.  As often as possible."

Prayer and Worship: I love God. Everyone may not feel the same way, or even believe in God, but I literally have a heart full of love for God, because things have happened in my life that I believe could only have happened because God saw the pinch I was in, and He rescued me.  However, for years I thought that loving God meant I had to get up at 5 am every morning, get on my knees, pray and praise God for at least a half hour, then read the Bible.  When I tried that, I would either fall asleep before I could get out of bed, or I would fall asleep while kneeling next to my bed.  Also, sometimes I'm so tired, I can't put the thoughts together to pray.  Or, I would start praying, then I would be overwhelmed by my prayer requests, and I would feel helpless.  Um, this praying to God was becoming more stressful than peaceful.  What I've noticed is that it's much easier to have a relationship with God when I tell Him I love Him, and then thank Him for the ways He has shown me He loves me.  He already knows my circumstances.  He knows everything that concerns me.  And His Word says in Psalm 138:8: "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me."  That means He's got it under control, and He's going to make sure that all of my concerns are worked out.

So, today I'm telling myself, "It's okay not to get up at 5 am to pray, or to even list all of my concerns to God.  The Lord will perfect that which concerns me.  I will tell Him I love Him, I will sing songs of praise and worship with the gift of singing He has given me, I will check in with Him anytime I need Him, and I will be quiet so that my spirit can be free to hear what He wants to say to me, and so that He can lead me and guide me in the way I should go."

Writing: All day, every day, I have thoughts that need to be written down.  Even if those thoughts don't necessarily lead to whole blog posts or essays or books, they are important thoughts.  These are the thoughts that many times I would write in my journal.  However, I've told myself that I'm being self-indulgent when I do that.  I've told myself that I have real work to do, so I can't spend the time writing in my journal or even turning my computer on to post on this blog.  That's wasting my time, the time I could be cleaning or doing laundry or doing something for someone else.  But I've noticed that when I post something, or even update my facebook or twitter status with these thoughts, they resonate with someone.  I can't recount the comments or emails I've received thanking me for a blog post, note, or facebook status update.  What I write touches people. And HELLO, I've dreamed of writing a book for so long, maybe I should be putting more time and energy into writing, no? 

So, today I'm telling myself, "It's okay to write, even when I have other things to do.  I will make the time to write.  Writing is like breathing to me, and when I do it, I reach a new level of awareness, and my heart and soul connect to the hearts and souls of those who enjoy reading my writing." 

If you don't do what you love to do, you won't love doing what you're doing.  I'm exercising, praying and worshiping God, and writing so that I can let LOVE flow through my mind, heart, soul and body, not pain.

Do it for YOU.  Tell yourself it's okay.  And others will surely benefit from it.