Mirrors

For most people, vacations are a time to get away and have fun, and even get their "groove back".  For me, vacations have a different purpose.  I live a very busy life working, going to school, and coordinating a women's leadership program.  Most of the hours of my day are dedicated to something or someone else, and the little bit of time I have for myself is usually spent exercising, cooking, eating, studying, and sleeping. There is little left for the things I LOVE to do, such as writing, singing, reading for fun, and introspection.  When I go on vacation, it is usually so that I can get away from the demands of life much like it is for everyone else, but it is also so that I can retreat and have some peace and quiet to reflect on who I am, where I am, who I am becoming, and what lessons life wants to teach me.

Most times, I take these vacations alone.  Sometimes, I go with a friend.  The friend I most often go with  is someone who has been in my life most consistently in the past few years, but I've known him since I was ten years old.  Although our reunion almost four years ago originally occurred with the idea of dating and developing a relationship, this did not work out.  Blog post upon blog post refers to the story of our relationship, which ends on one level and begins again on another.  To put it bluntly, we can't seem to let each other go for good.  While the feelings and interactions aren't always the greatest, I've come to understand that there is something we need to learn from one another, and although I sometimes feel weak and, frankly, stupid for continuing this undefined relationship, I trust that I always know when something must end and when God closes a door.  

Our last trip was just a few weeks ago.  It was a few days after my 41st birthday and I honestly had planned to go away alone to spend time reflecting on another year of life, but in the planning stage of this trip, my friend offered to go with me.  I couldn't understand why he wanted to travel with me, since the last time we traveled together I was extremely hateful towards him (see my blog post about that here).  His response was that I had "vented" all of my feelings already, so he figured I would be fine.  This was kind of true, actually.  So we went to Orlando for a few days and I was prepared to be as nice as possible, especially because all of my "venting" the last time I saw him wore me out.  

While my expectation was that things would be calm because I was calm, that wasn't necessarily the case.  He has a really subdued demeanor so he never really gets out of control, but he's very sarcastic and blunt.  In the first few hours of our trip he asked me a couple of sarcastic questions regarding other men, and decided that he was going to point out something he didn't like about me.  I ignored these things because I was trying to be peaceable and decided these statements were not worth pursuing.  But the next day, when I asked a question as a joke, he sharply told to me to stop asking rhetorical questions and that he really doesn't like when I do that.  He was more than irritated.  I told him that he should really let it go because it's not that important, and that I wasn't going to spend my time on vacation arguing about something so trivial.  But in the back of my mind I understood that his irritation wasn't really about my habit of asking rhetorical, sarcastic questions to be funny.  It was "his turn" to be mean to me.  

Later that night, we were at dinner and somehow the conversation turned to us spending time together.  I asked him, "If you really don't like me as a person, why are you here with me?"  He responded that he knows who I really am and he loves who I really am, but that I am always in protection mode because of my past experiences and having been taken advantage of by other men.  He urged me to be myself and stop trying to protect myself all the time, because when I'm protecting myself, I am keeping others at arm's length. 

I took in this feedback with complete understanding about what he was experiencing with me.  However, because part of this conversation referred to my ugly actions during our last trip (which he claimed to have forgiven me for), I began to internalize our entire interaction that day as hurtful. We argued in the car on the way home, and later that night I said, "Let's agree that the next few days we will try to be ourselves and let go of the things we don't like about each other, because these next few days will be the last few days we'll ever spend together."  (Italics emphasize where I spoke out of hurt.) 

The next day, we went to the Epcot International Food and Wine Festival and had a really nice time.  The environment was pretty, he had never been there before, and experiencing it with him helped me see things with new eyes.  We had tons of food and drinks, took pictures, sat and enjoyed each other's company in a way we hadn't in a very long time.  In other words, we kept our agreement.  

The next day was our last full day together, and it was kind of somber.  It was low-key, and while we were together, we each did our own thing - he was working on his computer and I was reading by the pool for class.  We are both writers, and I was reading one of his screenplays about his relationship with his mother.  What I read helped me to understand him a lot better, and why our relationship was so difficult.  He is always in protection mode because of his past experiences.  He does not show who he really is, and he keeps others, including me, at arm's length.  The more I point out to him the things I don't like about him, the more he shuts me out.  The more he points things out to me what he doesn't like about me, the more I push him away (refer to the italicized statement above).  

I share all this at the risk of sharing too much information about myself and this person to illustrate that our relationships - especially the ones we don't necessarily ask for - provide mirrors for self-reflection.  After the trip, I sent him a text with a nugget of wisdom I heard from Iyanla Vanzant, a spiritual guide who has a show on the OWN channel.  She said, "The deeper you fall in love, the more unloving you will behave."  His response?  "Yeah that sounds like you."  My response?  "You too! We are mirrors for each other."

One of the most influential people in my life, a professor in my counselor education program, once told me that we are mirrors for each other.  That statement opened my eyes and helped me understand my relationships.  We are drawn to those who are like us at the soul level, whether we like it or not.  And we are drawn to each other because we need that mirror to show us what we need to change about ourselves.  

It is the brave one who can look in the mirror and be completely honest about what needs to change.  It is the courageous one who will not behave unlovingly towards the one who serves as a mirror.  When we are unloving towards each other, we are unloving towards ourselves.  Look at the person who serves as a mirror in your life and say, "Thank you.  I love you for showing me, me."  And do the work so that the next time you look in the mirror, you absolutely love what you see.  

What IS Love, Really?

Courtesy of ghank.com

Love.  We all talk about it, think about it, sing about it, write about it, dream about it.  It is something that we all believe we have experienced.  I love my mother, I love children, I love my job, I love shoes, I love pizza.  We use the term love to express admiration, care, respect, connection; any emotion that is positive, really.  But do we really know what love is?

I had been pondering this question for awhile because of a recent experience.  It actually goes back months, maybe even years.  For many years I had shut down emotionally because of several losses I'd experienced, and it got to the point where I felt nothing.  Then someone I had known for almost my whole life came back into the picture.  As soon as I would use my best "put your guard up" techniques, he went to work dismantling them.  I was in shock and taken aback because he didn't take what I said at face value and walk away, like many had done before, and like I was secretly hoping he would do so that I could blame him for not wanting to develop a relationship with me (like I had done many times before).  I'm a talker, and sometimes I would just have to be quiet and process what was happening.  This person was not accepting my emotional unavailability.  He was forcing me to be uncomfortable with my comfort zone.

Throughout the years, we went through good times and bad times.  In the good times, I felt very much at home and safe.  In the bad times, I felt angry, taken for granted, and taken advantage of.  If I shared details, you would probably agree that many times those negative feelings were justified.  However, that doesn't really matter.  What matters is that I was actually feeling something.  When I woke up one morning after months of stomach aches that I attributed to anxiety and fear and realized, "I love him", the fear and the anxious stomach aches went away and I felt peace.  It was never easy with him, but I was actually feeling, and for some reason, that gave me great joy.

The last time I saw him, I had pretty much decided that there was no future for us.  I spent a lot of time lashing out at him, telling him that he was incapable of loving me, and eventually the words (that I tried to hold back even as they were tumbling out) "I hate you" came out of my mouth.  I'm not gonna lie, I'd had a couple of drinks and hadn't eaten, but that still doesn't justify those words.  After I realized that my words helped end my marriage many years ago and were now going to end this relationship, I started to cry as if someone died.  I went to the person who I'd just said "I hate you" to, and he held me while I cried uncontrollably.  He just held me and let me cry for what seemed like the longest time.  Then I said to him, "I love you more than anyone I've ever loved".  It was then we both agreed that there is a very thin line between love and hate, and within that line dwell our deepest fears about being abandoned and rejected.

I left that particular exchange wondering how powerful love is; so powerful that it could turn into hate.  Then I wondered about how we use the word love and make it so trivial.  We think we know what love is.  People say that love is never hard, but I knew my experience had been difficult and challenging.  I knew that anyone who could hold me after I had told them "I hate you" was clearly more capable of loving me at that moment than I could ever be.  I came home and thought about what the Bible says about love:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.

- 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 ("The Message" version)

After all these years of not allowing myself to feel, I learned what love really is from being in this very hard, very emotionally challenging relationship.  I wanted what I thought I deserved (because of my "swelled head").  I kept score and very eloquently relayed all the details of his wrongs.  I forced my way of doing things on him, and when he wouldn't accept them, threatened him many times with "losing me".  And God knows I flew off the handle.

So how can I say that I learned what love really is?  Because I did all of the things love is NOT, and he accepted me anyway.

To be continued...

Working Towards Your Bucket List

 

Edgartown Lighthouse, Edgartown MA

In the movie "The Bucket List" (2007), two terminally ill men (played by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson) decided to make a list of things they'd always wanted to do before they "kick the bucket".  "The Bucket List" chronicled these two men's adventures as they crossed off the various items on their bucket lists, and how those adventures helped the two men value what was truly important in their lives.  Since then, I've heard people talk about their bucket lists.  It seems as if the bucket list became something everyone should have.  I'm familiar with goal setting and the importance of achieving your greatest desires, but from the movie as well as others' lists, I got the sense that you either have to have a lot of money or be willing to give something up (e.g.: family, career, etc.) in order to fulfill your most personal desires.

During one of our meetings, our women's group decided to compose our own bucket lists.  As I read through my list, I thought about the possibilities of attaining my desires.  I thought about whether I could possibly live in St. Maarten and have a house with a wraparound porch and live next door to my best friend (who, as far as I know, has no desire to live in St. Maarten) and be a mother and travel to all of the various countries I want to travel to and write books that make people cry, laugh, think, and grow and start a non-profit, among other things.  As it hangs on my fridge, I sometimes wonder if my bucket list is supposed to be realistic, or if the act of creating a bucket list is supposed to teach you something about what you really want in life.  I wonder if I'll be disappointed if some of those things don't get crossed off.

My Vision Board

My bucket list is similar to my vision board - it's basically all of those things I wish to have in my life, without a time assigned to them or a plan for how to attain them.  However, one of the things I've learned about making a vision board, or a bucket list, is that the first step to accomplishing a goal or fulfilling a desire is to visualize it - speak it into existence, put the intention out into the universe - however you want to view it.  Just view it!

One of the items on my bucket list is to stay in Martha's Vineyard for two weeks a year to write books.  Last year was my first visit to Martha's Vineyard.  It was a last minute invitation from a friend who was there for a film festival, and I was there only one full day.  Needless to say, my main goals were to go to the beach, visit a lighthouse, and eat a lobster roll, and none of those things happened.  However, I did try fried chicken and waffles for the first time, and I fell in love.

The entire month of July, I participate in an intensive summer program to transition incoming college freshmen to our opportunity program and the College.  I have to plan my vacations around this program.  This year, I planned a week in Orlando to visit Disney World and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  Upon returning from that vacation, our planning for the program began in earnest, and the relaxation I felt immediately dissipated.  I've learned that I need to have a relaxing vacation after the program as well.  This year, I remembered my short time in Martha's Vineyard, thought about my bucket list, and decided to go ahead and book a four-day stay in a bed and breakfast on the Island.  This time, I would have the time to do those things I'd wanted to do last year, but simply did not have time for.  In addition, I packed my computer so that I could write if I felt inclined to do so, and if I had time.  

I got in my car, drove to Massachusetts, and took the ferry to the island.  I had my lobster roll.  I went to the beach.  I visited a lighthouse.  And although I did not stay for two weeks, nor write a book in the four days I was there, I started working towards those things on my bucket list.  I was able to attend the Martha's Vineyard African-American Film Festival, where I met many people who are creating and producing stories about the African diaspora.  At the bed and breakfast, I met this funny and adventurous woman who came to the Vineyard from Abu Dhabi for the festival.  She told me stories while we had our coffee and breakfast, and we made each other laugh.  I was able to spend time with my friend, who is doing something he'd dreamed of for many years, and see him in his element, where he is most happy.  I even met one of the stars of a TV series I'd watched for years, and rode the ferry back to Massachusetts with him, talking and joking and laughing.  In that short four-day stay, I felt compelled to write this blog post less than 24 hours after leaving the Island, and I was invigorated and inspired to go back to writing my book.  It was a challenging but relaxing trip, one that helped me grow in many ways and expand my perspective. 

I did not spend two weeks at Martha's Vineyard, but the way I see it, I spent four times the amount of time I spent on the Island last year.  That brings me almost half way to my goal of spending two weeks there.  It gives me a goal to work towards, and I am already making connections and planning how I will achieve that goal in the near future.

Edgartown Lighthouse in Martha's Vineyard helps to illustrate my point.  I could see the lighthouse from far away, but it took me some time to get right up to it.  However, the entire way to it, I was captivated by the beauty of the lighthouse from far away, as well as the foliage around it.  The blue sky, the boats, and the sun glinting off of the water added to the beauty of the actual lighthouse.  Truthfully, it was the big picture that made this lighthouse a sight to see, not the lighthouse in and of itself. 

We all have our goals, our desires, and our dreams.  Whether we write them down, or cut pictures out of a magazine,  it is important to visualize what we want, but not to feel as if we didn't do what we set out to do if it's not exactly what is written on our bucket list verbatim.  I realized that working towards my bucket list is just as rewarding.  As the saying goes, "Focus on the journey, not the destination.  Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it". (Greg Anderson)

I'm Single, Not Invisible! (Yep, I Said It!)

I am a very family-oriented person.  I love my family.  Although I live at least six hours away from most of my immediate family members, I try to see them as often as possible, despite the wear and tear on my little car and on me.

Most times when I visit family, I enjoy the time I spend with them.  However, sometimes I do not necessarily feel as if my presence is considered valuable or relevant, even when I make the sacrifice to travel so far.  I'm sure my family doesn't deliberately try to make me feel this way; I'm sure they don't even think about it.  It's difficult to relate to someone who isn't around all the time, and they often treat me as the person who left New York City back in 2000.  Actually, sometimes it seems as if they treat me as the child they grew up with, not the woman I have become.

As the youngest in my family, I was often known for "needing attention" and for being a "drama queen".  Truthfully, depending on whether you see those traits as negative or positive, I could possibly be both.  Growing up, I often was told to be quiet when everyone else was sharing their opinion, and as I grew older, I learned that my opinion was valuable and valued by others.  As a child, I loved to sing and dance, and if there was a play or talent show, I made sure to be part of it.  I wanted to be an actress, but I was told by my father that I couldn't make money doing that (it wasn't that he tried to kill my dreams; he merely expressed the concern of the underprivileged everywhere). It is possible that I "need attention" because my opinion was often ignored or repressed, and that I am a "drama queen" because I love to be creative and animated.  Unfortunately, for some in my family (and others I'm sure), those traits are negative.

Back in 2000, I left New York City to pursue a Master's degree in Counselor Education in western New York.  I was also going through separation and an impending divorce.  While it was a difficult time emotionally, I decided to pursue a goal I had put off while I was married and could not make decisions on my own.  Throughout the last ten years, I have gained that degree, as well as confidence, self-sufficiency, and faith that I did not have before I left New York City and my family.  In addition, I have been able to work in my chosen field of study, and have begun a doctoral program that is quite difficult to get into.  I have good credit, a good reputation both professionally and personally, and I have friends and students who often show me they care about me.

Not always so with family.  Often, I am ignored.  While others are celebrated for bearing children or bringing a significant other to family events, it is rare that I will hear from my family that I am doing a good job taking care of myself and accomplishing goals that not many people achieve.  I don't say that as an indictment against my family, however.  What I've noticed is that most of society spends time, energy, and attention on women who get married and have children.  It's as if we are not valuable or visible if we are not sacrificing our own needs to take care of others.

I may not be married or have children, but on top of my professional and personal accomplishments, I take care of many others.  When I am with my family, I shower my little nieces and nephews with love.  I play with them, I hug them, and I tell them I love them; something I rarely heard as a child.  I try to show my disabled mother I care by caring for her physical needs when I visit; even watching her crazy television shows with her.  My students know that I will go above and beyond to help them in whatever way I can, sometimes sacrificing personal time and energy (even money) to show them that someone cares.  Anyone who I spend quality time with gets my complete attention.  I don't text or email or call anyone when I'm with someone.  I believe that whoever I'm with deserves for me to be completely present.  

Lastly, I have learned to take care of myself.  I write, I read, I work out, I pray, I attend church, I take vacations, I go on mini-adventures, I treat myself, I try not to judge myself, and I tell myself I love myself.  I pat myself on the back, because I don't take for granted the fruit of my own labor.  I also don't take for granted the blessings I have received from my Heavenly Father, to Whom I am not invisible. 

Women who do not have husbands or children still work hard, still make sacrifices, still take care of others, and at the end of the day, we have to take care of ourselves because there's no one to take care of us.  Being a wife or mother might be a thankless job, but being a self-sufficient, strong and powerful woman is not only thankless job, but one that receives no value or credit.  The next time you come across a single woman who is taking care of business, don't pity her or act as if she's not visible or relevant.  Instead, congratulate her and let her know you see her.

Yep, I said it.

Gratitude

Courtesy of www.gratefulness.org

Many times either in passing conversation or on the social networks, I often come across people complaining. People complain about the weather, other people, and poor Monday gets the shaft every single week.  Now, I'm not going to lie, I can be one of the biggest perpetrators.  Aches and pains are my complaints of choice, closely followed by other people's (lack of) work ethic.  I understand that complaining, or expressing negative emotions, is sometimes necessary and even cleansing, but constant complaining only feeds negativity into our spirits that can lead to a bitter outlook on life.

I haven't had the easiest life; sometimes I feel like I never win.  But I've learned that complaining makes me look and feel ugly.  I still do it because I'm human.  However, I've decided to pay more attention to the good things in my life, no matter how small they might seem, because they are what brings me joy.  For a year, I sat down to breakfast with my Bible and a little notebook.  I would read a passage and then write down five things I was grateful for, and I would attempt to find different things to be grateful for within a particular week, so that I would stretch my perception of what was good in my life.  I would be grateful for my mother's improving health, or that I got a full night's sleep, or that I got a compliment on my looks or job performance.  Then I would read over the week's lists and feel happy.  It was a practice I needed at the time, as I had been struggling with depression and anxiety, and I realized that the only way to change my feelings was to change my thoughts.

The past academic year was very tough for me.  I felt as if I was working harder than ever and not seeing positive results.  I became angry, sad, and disillusioned with the work I was doing.  There were several times when I would even mention to students that I didn't want to be a counselor any more.  It was that bad.  However, after a little vacation time and some space from an overwhelming amount of work, I was able to breathe and get perspective on some things.  Just over the past week, I began to consistently play the good interactions I've had with others over in my mind, rather than focusing on the negative.  Here are some examples:

• During  my vacation last week, I spent time with some former students at Disney World. Embracing our "inner child" with each other was not only personally joyful, it was something that would bond us together.  The following day, one of them received terrible news, and we were there to comfort and support her.  Being able to have fun together helped us to grieve together.  Through this experience we became vulnerable with each other and developed a relationship that goes far beyond that of student-counselor; we are now family.

• Two days this week, a student who is taking summer classes treated me to Starbucks.  He knew that I was really tired and suffering from post-vacation withdrawal (that's a real ailment as far as I'm concerned).  Not only did this help me stay awake and alert, the conversations I had with him brought some energy into my current work routine.

• I received an email from one of my students saying she missed me and asking me for an update on my life.  I had been thinking about her, and didn't want to reach out to her because honestly, sometimes I think my students might think I'm a little too intrusive.  Even though we had spent a lot of time together over the course of the school year, I was trying to give her space.  For me, receiving that email meant that she valued the time we spent together as much as I did.  It also helped me reflect on what quality time can do to build relationships.  

• I got a text from another student on the same day, saying that he missed our department and asking how things were going.  We caught up on our work and internship happenings, and I mentioned that I had been to New York City.  He's home in NYC on break, so he asked why I didn't call him so we could get together.  I told him I thought he'd outgrown me.  He's a very independent young man with such a strong head on his shoulders and he doesn't need me in the same ways other students do.  His response was, "You can't outgrow love, Patricia."  That statement spoke volumes to me.  Even as I sit here and reflect on it, it brings tears to my eyes.  It summed up all of the good that is in my life, and made me realize that when I have the love of others in my life, I lack absolutely nothing.  

I could give more examples, such as the time I spent in New York City with friends, family and some of my former colleagues as well as former students, or the various Facebook posts and comments I've received recently, or those new people in my life who I've come to know through varying circumstances.  All of these good experiences have come at a time when I found myself saying a final goodbye to a relationship that was not good for me, and after a year of incredibly draining work.  It was as if God knew that my heart and soul needed to be filled, and He sent many, many people to fill me with love and happiness.

We can get into a rut when we live a life that is all routine and don't stop to reflect on the little interactions that we have with others.  Although I don't write down all of the things I'm grateful for as I used to do, I make an effort to stop and say, "thank you" for all of the things, big and small, that inject joy into my life.  Try it, you might like it! 

Courtesy of wau.org

"Good" versus "Good Enough"

It's been a little while since I wrote on the topic of relationships.

Perhaps it's because I allowed the disillusionment and disappointment that has developed over the past three years to shut my heart up, nice and tight.  The wall that comes down little by little when someone works his way into your heart also goes back up little by little, practically unnoticed, with each promise that is unkept, each word that is not followed up with action.

I struggled over the past three years on and off in a relationship with someone who claimed to love me, but couldn't seem to do anything about it.  I've written about him in various posts, often in relation to some life lesson I'd learned.  The lessons were all necessary, because for many years I journeyed through life without being fully present.  My heart was closed off due to the betrayal I'd experienced as a result of divorce.  I turned  to religion and spiritually to protect me from people.  I retreated into my pain and became distrusting of all people, and I came to expect that I would be disappointed if I engaged in meaningful relationships.

Three years ago, this old friend of mine came back into my life and insisted on being a part of it.  I never saw this coming.  I could tell that he was interested in me, much as he had been when we were children, and he was just as persistent as he had been when he would ask me to be his girlfriend every day in the sixth grade.  I wasn't into it back then, but after the last few years of dealing with men who beat around the bush and couldn't commit to even a day, time and place for a date, I came to appreciate the directness with which he asked for my number and made plans to visit.  Through our phone conversations and subsequent dates, I was enjoying myself more and more.  However, I lived in constant anxiety.  We would have great times together, and I would fight it the entire way.  I was enjoying myself and telling myself that I shouldn't have been having so much fun with this person.  I told myself that the next time I saw him would be the last, because it was obvious that he wasn't good enough for me.  He wasn't as Christian as me.  He wasn't thoughtful and didn't buy me gifts.  He liked to drink and party too much. He flirted with other women.  He wore his hair in braids for God's sake!  Here I was, going to church, singing in the choir, working and building my women's leadership program to empower young women, with a Master's degree and planning on obtaining a doctorate, and I was dating an almost middle-aged man with braids?  Who sometimes wore sunglasses indoors?  Was I that desperate for male attention?  Was I settling for less?

My friends would say, "He doesn't deserve you."  "He's not good enough for you."  "He's wasting your time."  My church indoctrinated me to believe that if he wasn't "saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost with the evidence of speaking in tongues", then I should not even let him have my phone number, much less go out on a date with him.  My mother made it clear that any man who didn't want to meet her would never be good enough for our family.  Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted my family to meet him.  Even my little great-niece, not yet four years old when she met him, called him "The Little Boy".  Out of the mouths of babes.

Here's the thing.  He's brilliant.  He's one of the most intelligent people I know.  On top of that, he wasn't threatened by my intelligence; he was just as attracted to my brains as he was to my body.  It was the first time in a long time that I didn't feel objectified by a man.  I felt like a human being, understood and appreciated for something other than my physical appearance.  It was this person who talked about his writing with so much passion that awakened my desire to begin writing again.  It was this person who helped me work on issues that I'd refused to address.  He challenged me to stop acting like a victim and take control of my life.  He encouraged me to be myself and accept myself, the good and the bad.  In accepting myself, I realized that I needed to accept others.  Even him.  I became less judgmental and more forgiving.  I stopped measuring others' relationships with God by how often they went to church or how much they talked about God.  I started opening my eyes and allowing myself to see the world through others' perspectives, and little by little, my heart opened up as well.  I had him to thank for that, and I was grateful; so grateful that I couldn't let him go.

Throughout our entire relationship, it was clear that we were walking two different paths.  Every time I mentioned it, he reminded me that he loved me and that I knew and understood him.  I told him that it was because I knew him so well that I knew he couldn't give me what I wanted most in life - a family.  I told him that it was because I loved him so much that I couldn't ask him to do something he didn't want to do.  He told me that because I was a great woman and he didn't want to lose me, he would think about trying to give me what I wanted.  He told me that he's loved me since we met in the sixth grade, but he needed time to follow his own path before even thinking about including me in his world on a permanent basis.  In other words, he wanted me to wait for him to accomplish his goals before he would even think about the possibility of partnering with me to achieve my dream of having a family.

Eventually, I realized that I needed to let go, not because he wasn't good enough for me, as I'd previously thought, but because he wasn't good for me.  A person who is good for you wants you to achieve your goals.  A person who is good for you doesn't stop you from moving towards your deepest desires.  A person who is good for you will challenge you, yes, but will accept you,  love you, and try to understand you.  A person who is good for you will help you grow and, as a result, your heart will be open to love all people.  A person who is good for you will support you and be happy for you as you move forward, with or without him.

I struggled to let go for so long because I thought I was being guarded and judgmental, thinking he wasn't good enough for me.  For awhile, I was.  Then I realized that there was a difference between someone being  good enough for you and being good for you.  This person, who never says "I can't" when it comes to what he wants and needs, said "I can't" to a commitment with me.  When I heard those two words, I understood. In my life, I never want to partner with someone who doesn't believe he can walk this journey called life with me.  In a sense, he himself doesn't think he's good enough.  And for me, that's just not good.  Period.

"Protons & Electrons!" (Or is it Neutrons?)

Source: www.blurtit.com

Last week was an amalgam of emotions.

Wait.  The last YEAR has been one of the most emotional of my life.  That statement might be a tad dramatic, but that's how I feel right now.  I think of years in terms of academic years, and this academic year is drawing to a close.  My reaction to that news?  GOOD RIDDANCE, 2011-12 academic year.  Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you.  You ain't got to go home, but you got to get the heck up outta here.  You get the point.

But as the academic year comes to an end, something put a smile on my face and filled my heart to the overflowing.  The students from the classes of 2010 and 2011 decided to converge back to our campus for an unofficial alumni weekend.  It was as if the universe knew what I needed and gave it to me in the form of about 10-15 young men and women with whom I had developed personal relationships that fulfilled me, probably more than I had ever helped them in my profession as a counselor and academic advisor.  I hosted a gathering for them at my apartment, and one of the young women decided we should play a game called Protons and Electrons.  She kept mistaking electrons for neutrons, and after a quick physics lesson from several of her former classmates, we started the game.  The most common proton - or positive comment - was that everyone was happy to be back on campus spending time with their college friends.  The electrons varied. Most of them had to do with a job, whether it was the reality check given at their jobs about how the "real world" functions, or not having a job.  There was a cynicism that had crept into these young people's lives - and these were the ones who wanted to (and still want to) change the world.

At one point, I realized that what they had learned after one or two years post-undergrad, I was really learning now, after almost twenty years working in education.  It's not that I never saw these things.  It's not that I hadn't had terrible experiences in my various jobs.  Believe me, I've had my share.  It's just that this past academic year had such an effect on me that others have mentioned that I've changed, and not necessarily for the better.

Things have changed.  I don't know if it's me, or the students I work with now.  I've been working for the same program for five years.  This was a dream job for me, and I truly loved it until this year.  Yes, I'd started a Ph.D. program.  Yes, I was already coordinating a women's leadership program in addition to my actual counseling/academic advising job.  Yes, half way through the year we lost a staff member who was badly hurt.  And yes, our director had to take time off for educational purposes.  But I'm not sure it was any of those things that made a difference.  In my mind, the biggest difference was the kind of students we now serve.

Case in point.  (Disclaimer: I do really care about my students, sometimes to a fault.)  One of my students came to see me last week, and when I asked about her classes, she said that she knew she wouldn't get a very good grade point average; in fact, she knew she was going to fail at least one class.  I asked if there was any way she could pull off the minimum grade that would keep her in good standing, and she said it wasn't possible because she'd missed every class since the mid-point of the semester.  She had a 3.0 grade point average coming into this semester, and after we estimated and calculated her grades for this semester, I showed her that she would be well below the minimum g.p.a. and could potentially be put on academic probation.  Again, she had a 3.0 g.p.a. in her first semester, which is great, especially at our college.  Since she is interested in the medical field, I asked her what she thought she would need in order to get into med school.  She imagined she would need a 3.7 grade point average, so we calculated how many perfect semesters she would need.  FIVE.  Five semesters of no less than a 4.0 g.p.a.  I gave her that piece of paper to take with her so that she could ponder how ONE semester of letting her academics go will affect the majority of her college career, and her life-long goals.

This year, helping students transition to college became less of a dream job and more emotionally draining.  Along with the personal issues that I had to deal with, including several losses in my family, this work that I'd always enjoyed getting up to do every morning became a chore.  I'd lost my passion and was definitely burned out.  This academic year, for sure, was my ELECTRON.

Last Friday, the women's leadership program I coordinate and advise had its final recognition ceremony.  It was, as always, a beautiful event, with the participants sharing their experiences of the program in a transparent and emotional manner.  As I stood to give an address to the group that was gathered, I mechanically went through the speech I had written, but felt there was more to share.  At that moment, I shared how the organization was now five years old, and how when my nephew was five, I took him to school.  His class would line up in the cafeteria to go to their classroom, and as I moved to take him directly to the cafeteria, he said, "I can go by myself."  I watched as he walked down the hall away from me, and walked confidently towards the cafeteria, and I cried.  I cried because he didn't need me in that moment.

I told the group that this year, the program seemed like my five year old nephew, walking confidently away from me while I stood there mourning how much it didn't need me any more.  And while I am still here, and still find it difficult to let go, I know that one day it will finally move away from me confidently, but I will still be watching it, just as I'd watched my little nephew walk towards his independence.

I only realized it then, in that moment, that the pain I'd experienced with my five year old "baby" - this program - was part of the growth process of an organization and those who run it.  It was my own growth moment; realizing that I could let go and trust that the legacy I'd helped build would continue, especially as the women gave their testimonies about what the program meant to them.  At the end of such a difficult year,  I'd found my PROTON.

Somehow, I couldn't reach this perspective without the alumni sharing their "electrons" and "protons".  Their love, their hugs, their words of comfort and support, opened my heart enough to see what felt like an "electron" in my life as a "proton".  

And if you know me, you know I'm not much of a "neutron" woman.