Monday, August 23, 2010

Insomniac Thoughts

For the past ten years, I have experienced insomnia. I'll go to bed fine, but I'll wake up about 3am and stay up for at least two hours.  Many times, I get frustrated, angry, sometimes I even cry.  Even if I get back to sleep, I usually have to wake up in less than an hour, which leaves me exhausted for most of the day. 

Some days I'll still be frustrated, but many times I try to work with the insomnia.  I'll write in my journal, read, or get up and put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Last week I decided to freewrite the thoughts that ran through my mind - though these occurred in the same night, much of these are typical thoughts for me:

God really loves me.

Sometimes, I get sick of myself.

Am I one of those people that you either love or you hate?

I'm so self-absorbed.

Yet, I think about others way more than I think of myself.

Well, I don't know about that.

Why doesn't God answer my most consistent prayers, like healing my mom or making a man love me enough to put a ring on it?

Do I expect too much from people?

Am I living the life God intended for me to live?

I think I'm just supposed to laugh a lot. That's what feels best.

Why do my old boyfriends look me up after 10, 20, almost 30 years?

Did I really have a boyfriend almost 30 years ago? I shouldn't have.

One thing I'll never regret: eating anything chocolate.

It hurts to love, but at least I'm feeling something.

Take the time to write your insomniac thoughts.  Thoughts that run through your mind in the quiet of the night might be trying to tell you something.

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